Monday, April 2, 2012

Traveling through the tunnel...

"Going through grief is like going through a tunnel. The bad news is the tunnel is dark. The good news is that once you enter into that tunnel, you are already on your way out."
Here we are at almost seven weeks... seven weeks tomorrow.  I really can't believe it.  It doesn't feel real.  It doesn't feel like this has really happened.  That sounds strange, but its true.  I can't believe it happened to us.  I wish I could turn back the hands of time and change the outcome... I wish I could wake up tomorrow and have Dex here.  That is probably pretty typical, what grieving parent wouldn't want that?  I still ache to hold him... to feel his baby fine hair upon my face.... to have his fat hands brush my fingers.  There is a longing to be with him, to have my family back to normal again.  We just miss him.  After Declan passed away, it didn't seem right to put his stuff in plastic totes, so we ordered a 'hope chest' and we finally got it this past weekend.  While we were putting Declan's things in the chest, each item brought back memories and made my longing so much more intense.  I just sat there holding the little jeans he wore the day he passed away and sobbed...wishing and praying for something to be different, for Declan to be using his things instead of packing them away into a box.... I've been told after life returns to normal for our friends and our family, we will continue to live in pain and sorrow... and that is when doubt and anger can creep into our lives.  I can totally understand that and see how it can happen.  There are times now when I literally want to punch a wall.  I want to pound my fist against the ground... anger is very close to the surface, wanting to unleash itself... to blame, to hurt, to scream and shout.  I am working hard on putting that anger back on God and hoping he can help me through both the painful longing and the anger.   There are two verses that have been my rock as of late... they are my life line!  "Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you, I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you" (Isaiah 46:4) and "I am the LORD, who heals you" (Exodus 15:26).  I heard once that "Going through grief is like going through a tunnel. The bad news is the tunnel is dark. The good news is that once you enter into that tunnel, you are already on your way out."  I'm in the dark tunnel right now, but I have faith that there will come a day when I am able to stand tall in the light and know the worse is over.... that God has sustained me and brought me to my path of healing. 


Our new Declan chest... 
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3 comments:

  1. LeahApril 2, 2012 at 9:33 PM

    i love those verses, holle. and the chest...what an awesome idea.

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  2. AlisonApril 2, 2012 at 10:00 PM

    A beautiful keepsake to keep Dex's things in. Remember the "hope' in Hope chest. ;)

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  3. JayneApril 3, 2012 at 10:18 AM

    I agree with Leah and Alison. I think the hope chest is beautiful and a wonderful way to store Declan's things. Your words are so beautiful, Holle. I don't know how you write these posts without crying hysterically through them. I know I cry every time I read them at the pain you are still all are experiencing. I also think it's okay to go ahead and punch something or hit the ground in anger. No one will blame you. In fact, it may even bring some healing to "beat out" your anger and frustrations at why this has happened. But one think about a tunnel too is that there is always a light at the end of it.

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