Reality Bites

There are days when I don't feel terrible... when I think Nate and I might get through this.  I can laugh easy and a smile seems to be resting on my face.   It feels good....but my tricky brain gets ahead of me.  It starts running on autopilot, but apparently it hasn't been reprogrammed, because there will literally be times when I think I am going to walk into my bedroom and Declan will be sleeping in his bassinet or that he is in the back seat with the other two... then my logical, reality based side kicks in and I know he isn't there.  For some reason, I still have to look, I still have to make sure and of course, he's not there.  I know that.  Its actually a pretty cruel trick, but I suppose that is part of the healing process.  Jumping from denial to reality.

Last night I was editing some photos and playing around with pictures of Declan.... and man oh man, reality slapped me in the face.  I will never have new photos of Dex to edit... to look at... to frame.   What I have is what I got.  It was harsh.  Many tears shed...  I hate reality sometimes.