Letting forgiveness win...

On Monday evening, as Nathan and I were settling into bed, we received a phone call from Nate's mom.  I was vaguely listen to him as he was speaking, but when he started getting angry I started to worry... 'What was going on? Was everything ok?' I caught bits and pieces and put together that something had happened at the cemetery where Dex is buried... vandalism, but no word on our son's grave.  I felt instantly ill... instantly panicked... instantly scared.   We knew so little and I think that is why it was so difficult for me.  We searched through Facebook and found the post that had alerted my mother-n-law to the situation.... there at the end of a lengthy post was the comment that brought me to my knees... 'they even damaged a baby's grave site'.  I knew it was us.  I knew it was our baby they were talking about!  I did the only thing I could think to do, which of course was turn to social media to get prayers going that his stone was not damaged and that we could fix whatever had happened and then I broke down crying!  I could not sleep... I tossed and turned and just wanted to know what was happening, what to expect... I wanted to be there, but it was 10 o'clock at night and it's almost a 2 hour drive.  I felt very unsettled and out of mind with worry!

I woke up easily when our alarm went off at 5:15 in the morning... and wouldn't you know... God was speaking to me right there on the radio!  We requested only two songs to be played at Declan's funeral... one of them being I Can Only Imagine and the other being Untitled Hymn.  When the radio came on it was playing the last verse of the Untitled Hymn... which is the verse that is painted on the bird house at Declan's grave site.  I knew in that very instant that it was God and Dex telling me to calm down... that the damage was only cosmetic and that Declan was not injured... that this wasn't new pain being done to Declan.... that his memory is not tainted because of this and that I needed to get there, clean it up, call our grave stone maker and put this behind me.  He could not have spoken anymore clearly to me if He had been sitting in the chair next to me.  Just when I was at my lowest... He was there, holding me up!

I arrived to find a mess... but I prepared myself for that.  I knew most items were gone and destroyed.  I knew the beloved statue of Jesus's hands holding an infant was damaged, possibly beyond repair.  I know the vandals used the statue as a weapon on his stone... I was prepared....

Here is the site when I arrived.  Lots of small pieces to be picked up... lots of ruined treasures.... lots of "what the heck..." and "Seriously!?" questions running through my mind and the mind of so many others. 

My precious statue of Jesus holding a baby... the main part is intact, but it no longer stands on its own.  My mother (master of the glue gun) is going to try and put it back together... or as much as she can. 

(Photo taken from Daily Globe - Worthington)

After a few hours of cleaning and getting the mess cleaned up, we are back to beautiful.  We have a few chips, scratches and dents on the back side of his stone, but it's going to be ok... I will be ok.... I will once again let forgiveness win and know that what happens to me in this life are just bumps in my road to a better place! 

Losing - Tenth Ave. North. 

There is so much anger towards the children who did this, probably rightfully so... but this song came on my radio as I was blogging and when I listened to the words... well, see for yourself.  It's impactful... these little boys need our support and prayers more than our anger and hate... 

Untitled Hymn - Chris Rice 

last verse is about flying to Jesus and that is what I woke up to on Tuesday morning.  Thank you Declan and Jesus for knowing what I needed to hear!

The tragic event even made the local news! Over a 100 stones were vandalized... 

Child vandals damage Round Lake Cemetery (Daily Globe newspaper, Worthington MN)
Round Lake Cemetery vandalized by three young boys (KWOA 730 News Radio, Worthington, MN)

Hope Rocks!

Last summer Nathan, the kids and myself spent some time at a place called Faith's Lodge.   The lodge is a place for families who have lost children to go and relax, reflect, process and immerse themselves in their healing journey.  For Nathan and I it was the first step towards acceptance of what had happened to us and our sweet Declan.   It was an opportunity to be with families who had suffered similar losses and to talk about those first few steps through our living nightmare, that only someone who knows can understand.  The lodge is not all kumbayaish with people sitting around crying, but a place where laughter feels good and the conversation ranges from sports & hollywood gossip to our personal stories on loss.   There is an atmosphere when you walk in that feels good... it's a place where people come at their lowest and leave feeling a sense that life might actually get easier... that healing will find them.  The lodge is partially support through the generosity of people volunteering their time and their resources.  One of their bigger fundraisers is HOPE ROCKS.  Last year, Nathan and I worked at it and had a blast!  Both of us agreed, we would go every year... sometimes as volunteers and sometimes as participants.  This year, we are going as participants.... we have already started looking for our "rocker" outfits and are so excited for an evening of fun that supports an establishment that is so near and dear to our hearts.  Please consider going and seeing for yourself all the goodness this special place has to offer.

It truly is a place where HOPE grows! 

This video is from Faith Lodge's holiday event.... it does a great job of explaining the feelings a person experiences while at the Lodge and I just liked it.... thought I would share it with you.  

*SUDC is sudden unexplained death of a child.  

Declan actually passed away from SUDI.  sudden unexplained death of an infant

Somewhere over the Rainbow...

Last night, my daughter and I were driving down to Mankato and the whole day had been kind of overcast.  As we were just pulling out of town, Courty says, "I wish I could see a rainbow right now."  When I asked her why, she said (in a matter of fact, 'how dare you ask me' tone), "Because I miss Declan."  I smiled to myself and said, 'yeah, me too.'  But beings that there had been no rain, there was no rainbow.  After finished up our girls night out with a Blondie bar from Barnes and Noble,  we headed home.  As we pulled into our town, guess what was waiting for us.... this beautiful big rainbow!  Both Courtlynn and I were amazed!  It really felt like Declan had sent his sister a gift.  There are those moments when life can really get me down... when I lose my breath remembering my son and his death... when I can hardly believe this terrible event really happened to me.  There are moments when all I need is a reminder that this is not the end... this is only the beginning our journey, a blimp in time compared to our eternity... that is exactly what this rainbow did for me yesterday!  It felt like a deeply personal gift, meant just for me... Thank you Heavenly Father and Declan.  You made my day.

"O beautiful rainbow; all woven of light! There's not in your tissue one shadow of night; Heaven surely is open when you do appear. And, bending thee above, the angels draw near, and sing,"The rainbow! the rainbow! The smile of God is here." ~ Sarah Hale

What has death taught me...

I randomly read articles from an online magazine called Still Standing, Embracing Life after Loss and Infertility.  Today I read one that I could really relate to... it was about how death has the ability to change people.   I always think it strange that people talk about death as if it is some mysterious thing that only happens to unlucky people or to people who must have done something wrong... but we all die.   I will die.  You will die.  WE all die... I have come to realize that the reason people freak out about death is because it's only supposed to be for old people.   When an older person dies, its expected and most of the time they have lived a good life.  People are comfortable with that type of death... people are not comfortable with death when it happens to children.  People don't want to talk about it, people avoid the subject... maybe because they are afraid to make me sad or more likely, they know it will make them sad... or I speculate that its the grieving after death that really throws people.  No one really knows how to respond to grief.  No one teaches us how to travel down griefs dusty, bumpy, twisty and turny roads....but over the past year and 4 months I have learned that death happens and grief happens and I know without question, it will change you.  This particular article had two sections... one about how death has negatively impacted her and one on how it has positively impacted her and although I could relate to both parts, I wanted to share only the second part.  I highlighted the parts that struck a cord in my heart!  After all this time, I can safely say I would rather have Declan here, but if I have to travel this journey, I am glad I have been able to learn from it and allow his life and death to make me who I am today.


Letting Death be Your Teacher by Rachel Lewis
"... Death has changed me. And sometimes, I hate what it has done. But it has also changed me for the better.

I know death has changed me when I study my daughter’s eyes, and savor every expression that dances across her face as an absolute gift.

I know death has changed me when I remember to loosen my grip on my little girl, and give her the chance to experience all that life can offer.

I know death has changed me when “I love you” always goes with my “good-bye.”

I know death has changed me when someone’s grief no longer scares me, and their tears feel like an invitation to share in the most sacred of moments together.

I know death has changed me when grief crosses all barriers, and binds my heart to another’s whom I otherwise never would have known, befriended, or loved.

I know death has changed me when imagining my death does not strike fear in my heart, but rather motivates me to leave my imprint on the world while I still have breath.

I know death has changed me when a baby is born alive and healthy, and I know what an absolute miracle she is.

I know death has changed me when I see heaven not as a resting place, but as a living place.

I know death has changed me when I choose to fight with God in prayer. I give Him my pain. My betrayal. My anger. And I place my bruised, bleeding heart into His perfect hands. He doesn’t heal my hurt. But He does always hold it for me.

I know death has changed me when I stop trying to be perfect. And instead, just try to be.

I know death has changed me when I have the courage to love a child I know I might not get to keep. Death has taught me that our time together will end. But love never ends. And love is always worth loss.

As often as I revolt against death, hating it for it’s power to change life — to end life — I have learned that death is not just an enemy, but it is a teacher.

Death will change you. But death can also teach you to live."

JOY no matter the circumstance...

Yesterday, I listened to a very wise man talk about joy... about what it means to live a life filled with joy and how some people just naturally seem to gravitate to it.   He said that true joy comes no matter the circumstance... that joy isn't dependent on what is happening in our lives.  Even when life has me down and out, even when I feel crushed and depleted, the joy that I have in my heart is still there.  It doesn't always rise to the surface and bubble up, but true joy is always there.... I don't function well in sorrow, I don't thrive in sadness... shortly after Declan died, I knew I needed to do whatever it would take to move through my grief... not forget it, not avoid it, but move through it with purpose and determination to not only survive his death, but become someone stronger because of it.

There are days and moments when choosing to be joyful is difficult... when it seems like it's the last thing I want to do.  Living joyfully take effort and it takes a change of attitude... but I would say for me, choosing joy doesn't mean I have a permasmile on my face and I am doing flips around the house... it doesn't mean that I am going to start lecturing you about being happy and not letting life's tough times get you down... to me, choosing joy means that I have HOPE that today's troubles and sorrows are merely bumps in the road and that I will find my happiness again.  For me, looking at the death of my little guy, I can find JOY in the promise that I will see him again...  I can rest peacefully knowing that I will hold him again, that I will kiss him again... that I will someday hear him call me 'mommy'!  Someday... until then I will take the bad with the good, I will lean on God to be my support when I am not strong enough and I will continue to CHOOSE JOY... always.  

"And my God will fully supply your every need according to His glorious riches in the Messiah Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:19

Strong Enough - Matthew West

Finding beauty amongst the pain...

A wild flower, growing
among the dead leaves.

Mother's Day has come and gone (well basically)... once again I am forced to face the obvious, I am a grieving mother.  I am not like most moms... I am not like the mom I once was... I am new to me, I am new to this grieving process and I am trying to be the best mom I can be for my two little living munchkins.  Once upon a time, I enjoyed the 'typical' mothers day... getting dressed up for church in a fancy dress and going out for a fabulous lunch surrounded by loved ones. I got flowers and took pride in the family I had helped to create.  Since losing Dex, that isn't what my mothers day is like.  We attempted to stay somewhat traditional last night... church, followed by Old Country Buffett (fancy I know, but with kids, speedy wins out over luxury!).  However, for me personally today wasn't about me as much as it was about what I am, about what I have and what I have lost.  Today was about celebrating my journey, this terrible process I have been forced to live for the past year and three months.  It was about trying to find beauty in the pain... about looking for more than meets the eye and seeing the blessings that still rain down on me.

My day started with breakfast in bed with an omelet made to order, coffee just the way I like it and looky, looky... a flower and a little present on the tray!  Everything about the moment made me cry.  It was so obvious how much love we have in our often times chaotic home that I couldn't help but shed some tears.  We all hung out in bed, with only a few minor spills and then I opened my gift. Nathan and the kids had picked out a beautiful necklace in the shape of an angel.... it melted my heart!  I love it so much!!  What a blessing... even when it feels like there is nothing to celebrate....

 After breakfast, we went to a local park and spent the morning and afternoon exploring nature, looking for items from our scavenger hunt and trying to remember what we are all about.  When we first arrived we set out to see what was there, what miracles were at our finger tips... we ran into three older guys who were looking for wild flowers.  They looked identical to the brothers from Swamp People... first I was a little scared, but once they started talking to us I realized they were just EXTREME nature lovers! They pointed out a bunch of amazing wild flowers...  and the funny thing is until we ran into them, we hadn't seen any flowers.... makes me wonder if all we needed was a little help opening our eyes to those little beauties... after that we saw them everywhere!  After hiking for a while, we had a picnic and snacked on... what else... peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!  We soaked up the sun, talked about Declan, told jokes and laughed at nothing.  It felt so good to be there, it felt like we were doing exactly what we were meant to be doing.... like some little boy had a hand in making my day so perfect and special.   It's not always easy to see His blessings during the worst storm possible, but when I took time to savor the moment and look harder at what I've been given and still have, I am able to see the beauty amongst the pain.... I am able to grieve with the knowledge that even through this terrible loss... a loss that I will never forget... I have been richly blessed.

My heart melts for these two!

Relaxing and taking a break from our 3 mile hike today! 

Blessed to have a man that can stand strong for me when I am weak...

They may not always get along, but they love each other deeply! 

At the scenic over look.... thank goodness for the bench! We needed a break! 

Always on our mind... and lives on in our hearts! 

Your death doesn't change the fact that you made me a mother (again)... I loved you the moment I found out about you and I will love you until my last breath little man! 

BLESSED. 

Being a bereaved mother... who would've thunk it?

It's hard to imagine that I am once again going to be living through another mother's day without one of my children.  Today is actually the International Bereaved Mother's day... who knew there was such a day?  I sure didn't.  But then... why would I've?  I have been introduced to an entirely new world since losing Declan.  A world filled with amazing people and extreme sadness... a world that understands that a smile or laughter doesn't mean your 'better'... a world that understands there is no such thing as 'better', only 'different'.  I have heard people say "I just want you to get better... to get back to the old you."  People always mean well. I know this to be 100% true.  Yet, I struggle with their inability to truly understand life through our eyes... and in reality I am jealous of them.  They say silly things not to be mean but because they have not been impacted by death's sting... they do not know that when your child dies... when your flesh and blood, a child you created is taken from you, there is NO going back.  Going back would be to pretend he never existed... is to deny who you are now... nope, once death has seeped into your life, you have reached the ultimate "point of no return" on the old you... and from our eyes, from our perspective that is ok.  I know I could not go back to the 'old me'.  There was nothing wrong with the 'old me', but who I am today is stronger, more confident, more compassionate, more empathic, more aware of the impact of my choices and the life I live than who I was.  Who I am today, on this international bereaved mothers day, is a direct result of one little man.... one little guy who I would give my final breath to see again, has changed my life completely and forever.  His impact on my life, and hopefully the lives of others, continues to strengthen me and give me hope for the day when I will arrive in His kingdom.  I believe that when you lose a child you come to a crossroad.... you can chose to let death defeat you or you can chose to let it teach you.   I have chosen to let it teach me and take me to places I didn't know existed.  Am I sad today... yes, always... but as I think about being a bereaved mother and all that has become a part of my life since his passing I am thankful that God allowed me to chose the path of teaching... because truthfully, letting it defeat me would have been a whole lot easier.