It's hard to imagine that I am once again going to be living through another mother's day without one of my children. Today is actually the International Bereaved Mother's day... who knew there was such a day? I sure didn't. But then... why would I've? I have been introduced to an entirely new world since losing Declan. A world filled with amazing people and extreme sadness... a world that understands that a smile or laughter doesn't mean your 'better'... a world that understands there is no such thing as 'better', only 'different'. I have heard people say "I just want you to get better... to get back to the old you." People always mean well. I know this to be 100% true. Yet, I struggle with their inability to truly understand life through our eyes... and in reality I am jealous of them. They say silly things not to be mean but because they have not been impacted by death's sting... they do not know that when your child dies... when your flesh and blood, a child you created is taken from you, there is NO going back. Going back would be to pretend he never existed... is to deny who you are now... nope, once death has seeped into your life, you have reached the ultimate "point of no return" on the old you... and from our eyes, from our perspective that is ok. I know I could not go back to the 'old me'. There was nothing wrong with the 'old me', but who I am today is stronger, more confident, more compassionate, more empathic, more aware of the impact of my choices and the life I live than who I was. Who I am today, on this international bereaved mothers day, is a direct result of one little man.... one little guy who I would give my final breath to see again, has changed my life completely and forever. His impact on my life, and hopefully the lives of others, continues to strengthen me and give me hope for the day when I will arrive in His kingdom. I believe that when you lose a child you come to a crossroad.... you can chose to let death defeat you or you can chose to let it teach you. I have chosen to let it teach me and take me to places I didn't know existed. Am I sad today... yes, always... but as I think about being a bereaved mother and all that has become a part of my life since his passing I am thankful that God allowed me to chose the path of teaching... because truthfully, letting it defeat me would have been a whole lot easier.