Monday, April 22, 2013

Getting in touch with grief...

This spring has been tough... work has been exhausting and the weather here has been terrible.  I haven't felt up to writing simply because I knew I wouldn't be able to positive.  When I was new in my grief, I didn't care if my posts were positive or negative because they were just what I was feeling... whether or not it provoked positive vibes from people was not something I cared about.  Just being able to write made me feel better... blogging was a relief I hadn't expected.  And now...  not a day goes by when I don't think to myself 'that thought would make a great post' but my "me" time has been seriously compromised this spring and I don't feel like I have the time or the energy to do what I love.... to do what helps me heal... cuz it would mainly be a big ol' b***h session... Often I hear that life is a balance of work and personal life/family time... which is true... but when you add grief into the mix you have a very delicate balancing act of finding time to "lean into" your grief and focus on healing, work and family.  I am lucky because often my family time and my healing time are one in the same, but still, after 14 months I still need my time to be alone in my thoughts, to embrace my grief and allow it to wash over me... as strange as that sounds I believe it to be important.  
Sometimes the purpose of a day is to merely feel our sadness, knowing that as we do, we allow whole layers of grief, like old skin cells to drop off us  ~ Marianne Williamson
I am struggling with finding that balance right now... I've got the balance of work and personal life down, but am wishing I had more time to focus on me and my healing. Where I can close my eyes and dream about what should have been... what was... and where I am going next.  I have learned that living in grief is truly a moment by moment journey... a day by day excursion through unbelievable pain, confusion and denial... but as time goes by it has been easy to push my sadness away and tell myself "I don't have time for this"... the lesson I am in the process of learning is that it will catch up with you... grief can't be ignored, it can't be denied and it wont be swept under the rug.... no amount of excuses can stand up to grief's need to be dealt with.  I started to realize this around the 1 year anniversary of his passing and I started going back to grief group and am so thankful I did.  I am surrounded by old friends who provide comfort just by giving you a glance that says "I understand" and new friends who I hold so dear to my heart! Grief... you stink.  Death... you suck! But I will not run from you... I will not let you destroy me.  I have to believe that God will give me the ability to grow from Declan's loss, to 'learn' from this tragedy and to come out on the other side of the valley of the shadow of death a stronger person... a person that loves more, laughs harder and appreciates this beautiful thing we call LIFE. 

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