Friday, December 28, 2012

Reflecting on Christmas

Christmas has come and it has passed... I was curious to see how the holidays would shape up for us.  I had lots of anxiety about seeing the kids open their gifts, knowing we should have a squealing little toddler trying to steal everyone else's presents and who enjoyed playing with the wrapping paper more than the toy itself.  I think overall we did ok.  Christmas Eve was hard for me... the music at church brought me to tears at every song and when I got home I took a moment to have a good cry in our room, but then it was back to the hustle and bustle of getting ready for supper and getting the kids settled down enough to enjoy the moment.  I found myself to be extremely sleepy over most of the holiday. I think that was stress and emotions weighing heavy on my shoulders.   I don't know what I expected, but sometimes I am overwhelmed at how I think people don't want to make me sad (or themselves sad) so they don't bring up Declan... I think that is one of the worst ways to deal with grief... I want someone, other than myself, to bring him up, to let me know that they too are missing him over this holiday season.  I don't know what I would want someone to say... I am not sure how people should act, but I anticipated an acknowledgment of our first Christmas without our son and we didn't really get that... or maybe we did in the form of extra hugs, arm squeezes, and longer gazes, but hardly anyone said his name... in fact maybe only one, my brother.  I understand it is hard and I am not upset or trying to call anyone out, it's just more an observation I made and am sharing.   I guess overall, Nate was my rock,  the two of us spoke about  him, cried about his passing and visited his grave... the two of us together dealt with the pain and the sorrow the only way we have learned to - by leaning on each other and helping each other when the other one is struggling... how lucky I am to have someone to travel this journey with... a person who 'gets' it at my side... As I sit here, looking at the Christmas tree, knowing the season is almost over, I can't help but think about what Christmas really means... the gift of a baby, meant to save the world by giving up His life for us... to ensure that I will get to see Declan again.  I have much to be thankful for... and I can take comfort in knowing that GOD himself, knows what it is like to lose a child.


  1. Dear Holle and family,
    I just wanted to tell you that, "little things with BIG love" is amazing! We have 8 kids, and decided to take them bowling today in Alexandria after church. My husband had a very confused look on his face when he went to pay the bill, we were given a slip of paper that stated, "This random act of kindness is given in loving memory of Declan Lloyd". I can't imagine as a mother, what you all have experienced over this past year. I am sooo sorry for your loss. I just wanted to say, "THANKYOU" to whomever was part of making our kids day, it met a big need in our big house!:) I hope by you reading this, you have some comfort in knowing that your sons memory continues on, in lives of people you have never even met. Blessings for healing, and peace in your home. Troy, Shelly, Natasha, Brittany, Bubba, (Troy Jr.) Samuel, Titus, Lucas, Micah and Gracianna Fuller

    1. Troy, Shelly and family... Your comment moved me to tears. I am so happy to know that Declan's memory has impacted your family in such a positive way! This is the exact reason we wanted to do 'little things with BIG love'... we wanted to make his short life counted in a big way. Thank you for sharing your story with me... you really don't know how much I needed to hear it! Thank you again and blessings to you and yours over the new year!

      ~ Holle