Seven Years without you

Apparently, this is my new norm... writing on my blog the night before the day.  These few last moments of the 13th always remind me of those few last hours of what was our 'normal' back in 2012.  Going to bed that evening was so different from tonight... we knew no loss, we were a complete family, and nothing bad had ever happened to us.  We felt like we were on the fast track to the life we had been dreaming about since we were dating.  I am imagining that we did our normal routine of saying our prayers together, getting the kids in bed, finished cleaning up the house and off to bed.  The last night of our "before"; the last few precious moments together without knowing what being broken feels like; the very last time I would go to bed as the girl I used to be.  If I could go back to that moment, I would not go to sleep... I would hold Declan the whole night, I would tell him how much I love him and how I would give my life for his if it was allowed... I would plead and beg God to change His mind and not take Dex away.  I actually feel slightly sick to my stomach to think back to who I was before he passed... to think what that 'normal' was like for me and my family.  Declan's life and death have been such a huge definer of us and who we are, it's truly hard to remember what we were like 'before'.

These last few weeks have been really hard.  If I can keep my mind busy I can push the sadness and heartbreak away, I can muster my way through it... but this week, it has felt like my grief is screaming in my face, "I am here!! You can't keep ignoring me.  I won't go away."  Tonight's post, a first for me, a video blog, is all about where I am at with this journey and how I am working to deal with my grief.  As always, my hope and intent with this message is to help others who are grieving know they are not alone and to allow those who are interested in our journey, into this space of healing, coping and ultimately accepting what is.