Saturday, July 29, 2017

Still wishing, still grieving...

Out on the boat, celebrating my 40th.
Laughing and having the best time ever! 
How does one even start a blog post after such a long time being away?  I suppose I could speak to all the reasons I haven't written or how I am too busy to dedicate time to writing... but I suppose the truth goes something more like this... Grief changes and evolves, the comfort I once got from sharing my feelings isn't as strong.   The sting of Declan's death isn't as potent as it once was.... but please don't hear that it is gone.  We haven't moved on or forgotten.  We have however made the decision to work at finding our JOY.  We work at surrounding ourselves with things that make us happy and more often than not, those things are not things, but people and time with those we love.  We have branched and started to do things we would have never done in the past. We have grown in our commitment to finding our happiness and helping as many people as we can on the way.   Declan's death or maybe better described as Declan's life continues to shape us and push us to be better.  I continue to be surprised at the randomness of grief and how it can hit you like truck or wear on your for days before you even realize what is happening.  Grief still makes any sadness harder, it makes any moment of anger even worse as I can feel the anger of his passing bubbling up... It also brings extreme reflection to my life... and make any ordinary moment something beautiful.  I still find myself playing the "why me" game, I still get jealous of families having babies... I still ask myself why God allows certain people to continue to have children, even when they appear to be lacking in the parenting area... I still find myself fighting with my grief monster of "discontentment".   STILL... and I imagine that is the role grief will play in my life for years to come.
The kids and I at the Henderson Classic Car show.
It was a spur of the moment decision to go and we love it.

I was recently asked to share our story for a fundraiser event and what originally seemed like an easy task, actually was very difficult.  I sat down on the computer and started and re-started our story... struggling to find the right way to begin. Nothing seemed right or appropriate... and once I finally figured out how to start, the words and the feelings poured out... tears and sobs found their way out from the depths of within and I was brought back to that day and realized I have worked very hard at tucking it away... not forgetting or lacking in memory, but putting it away to not be thought of.  The pain I felt, the heat in my belly, the burning ears all were reminders of how traumatic and painful his loss was, is and will be for me.  As strange as this may sound, I was actually surprised at my reaction, but in reality, the tears felt good and having the moment wash over me like it did was a healthy reminder of how far we have come.  I STILL wish he was here.  I STILL wish I never had to know this pain, I STILL grieve for the loss of our dreams... STILL and probably for always.

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