Sneaky grief...

Celebrating another birthday today and as this day approached, I found myself getting anxious, angry... and sad.  I first figured it was because a few of the things I wanted to do fell through and weren't going to work out.  I felt like I was pouting and multiple times I said to myself, 'get over it!  It's not that big of a deal.', but I still couldn't shake my case of the blues.  Than it hit me... this is my grief.  This feeling of yuck and gloom is my burden of death and the burden of a love so deep you can never fully recover after 'losing' it.   It's the unfairness of getting one more year here when he didn't... it's the continuing question of "WHY?!".  Why him? Why us?  Why ME?! It's facing another year without him...it's realizing that grief doesn't end and that grief will be embedded into my life forever... that I will always carry this burden of loss, pain, anger, frustration, and sadness with me. Simply waiting for my sneaky grief to step up to the plate and remind me that this is what my life is now.  I never know when something will bring me to tears for no reason.  I never know what song on the radio will make me bawl my eyes out.  I haven't figured out which events will make my heart ache so bad that I wonder if I am having a heart attack.  In those moments... my smiles are fake, my laughs are forced and I would rather be alone, throwing a pity party, than trying to pretend that what I am currently doing matters.  What I am learning, however, is that life doesn't stop for grief... my kids still need me, there are still dishes and laundry to be done, work still continues... which means I have had to figure out how to move forward when I all I want to do is check out.  

I suppose I should have expected my birthday to be tough, but I really hadn't thought about it. Once I figured out why I was struggling it was easier to just accept it...to allow those who are close to me to take care of me and support me.  We decided to go to church last night so we could sleep in today (One of my request. Slept until 9 am!!).  As always, I found the message to be so pertinent to me and my situation! It's amazing how God works like that... but anyway, the message was about carrying our burdens and how, through God's grace, they become blessings.... how something might seem so very overwhelming and scary for a moment, but after time you can look back and realize what a blessing it turned out to be.   It was very fitting for me in one aspect of my life, as I recently took a new job and have been feeling very overwhelmed and scared by the decision to leave a place I loved so dearly.... the message gave me so much hope that it was a good decision and I will look back on it in a few years and praise God for taking me on this journey.... but as I sat there listening, bouncing around how relevant the message was, I found myself feeling like I was digging in my heels to the message as well.  I wanted to say "YEAH BUT..." what about the burden of losing a child?!  How will that turn into a blessing?!  It reminded of the song by Laura Story called 'Blessings'... same concept... the refrain says this "What if  your blessings come through rain drops, what if your healing comes through tears. What if a 1000 sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near.  What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?"  I like the song and when I hear it on the radio I turn it up and cry... but I cry because I don't believe it.  I tear up because I feel like there is NO WAY God would hurt me and my family like this to bless us.  I weep because I DO believe it about EVERY OTHER situation, but it can't be about losing a child.  It just can't.  I can admit and I DO say, we have had blessings bestowed on us since losing Declan.  We have met amazing people and have developed great relationships that we would not have had if we hadn't lost a child.  I freely say that I am a better person since losing him... good things have happened since his death, but I can not... I WILL NOT say it was a blessing.  To me, his mother, nothing can ever happen that will make me utter those words... nothing.   Other's may say it.  Other's may believe it.   I just cant'.

So... yeah, I am digging my heels in on that.   I loved the message... it inspires me in many many ways, but I still carry my burden of grief and I am ok with that.  It's the price of love.   I think my favorite part of the song 'Blessings' is close to the end of the song with she says, "when darkness seems to win, we know that pain reminds this heart that this is not, this is not our HOME..." and I know that is what pulls me through these moments of sadness and gives me the hope I need to continue this journey!  I will see Declan again!!  I might have 63 more birthdays and each one is going to bring up painful feelings, but knowing that each one brings me one more year, one more day closer to going HOME and seeing Dex, than at least I know I am moving in the right direction!

Blessings by Laura Story