Monday, January 21, 2013

Getting what you ask for

Over the past 11 months, I have become a master at both addressing and avoiding this thing called grief.  In the beginning Nate and I went to a great grief group called, Grief Share and we both really liked it and got so much out of it.  It really felt like we were dealing with our pain head on. Then summer came and we were just busy doing family things and being out enjoying the season that we stopped going to group.  We had every intention of starting back up in the fall when we returned to our routine.  Then fall came, Noah started swim club and it just so happened that practices were on Mondays, which was the night that we went to group.  I became great at being busy and being on the go... rushing from one activity to another... each night filled with something to do.  If it wasn't an activity for the kids, it was a tv show that I looked forward to.  Then this weekend happened.  It was our first weekend staying at home in... I don't even know how long.  Saturday was ok... we were busy cleaning in the morning, doing little things with Big love in the afternoon and bowling and supper with a dear friend Saturday night.  Then Sunday happened... we had NO plans. Nothing to do... and I couldn't avoid the hurt that is there.  I had nothing to take my mind off Declan's death... it was tough.  I found myself feeling wore out, bored, and I wasn't sure how to fill my time.  I realized today, I've become a master avoider of the pain I still carry with me.  I have my moments  - mostly in the car.  Get the right song on the radio and I am a bawling mess, but then I get to daycare, wipe my tears and get the kids and it's go go go the rest of the night.  I am not sure how I got to this point, but I know that a few months ago there were times when I would start to drift into thought about my loss and I would cut myself off from thinking about it, saying I don't want to go there... I think it's easy to do... pushing those feelings down and being so busy that there is no time to process and heal.  I have allowed myself to take the easy road and am getting exactly what I've asked for... keeping the pain at bay and feeling as happy as I can, yet avoiding true healing and acceptance... but, I am not sure how to fix what I have created... except now that I have identified my avoiding behavior, all I can do it work on changing it... asking God to help me face my grief head on...

1 comment:

  1. From Darla -
    I've been where are you are. My 5 year old son passed way in 2001.

    You can avoid the grief and pain as long as you want, but it doesn't disappear. It waits for you, until you're ready to face it. You don't "get over" the grief of losing someone, you "get through" it - slowly. I NEVER want to "get over" my son, just through the grief/pain of losing him. For me, keeping his memory alive by talking about him and sharing my memories of him with others! All our family pictures are now digital, and the digital frame we have goes through all of our pictures randomly. So we see different pictures of our son every day, and we reminisce about whatever picture we're seeing. Tears? Sometimes yes, most times though its smiles (now, it wasn't always.)

    Our faith in the Lord and knowing our son is with Him, and someday we'll all be together is a great comfort.

    If you like Christian music, listen to Steven Curtis Chapman's song, "With hope" it's about saying goodbye - With hope . . . in the Lord and seeing them again.

    Keep the faith and Always Hope in HIM (the Lord).