If I could turn back the clock...

I am heading up to a conference tomorrow... I went to the same one last year and I was 9 months pregnant and ready to burst I was so fat.  I was a tank walking around that convention center.  I was uncomfortable and my ankles were the size of grapefruits... and what I wouldn't give to be back to where I was a year ago.  I can't imagine that anything would be different if we could go back and re-do, but to be able to give birth to Declan again and to see his beautiful little face looking at me with his little red face and his bright eyes... to be able to hold his little body so close to mine again would be amazing.    To be with him again as he discovers his toes and find his voice would be breathtaking.  To hear his laugh would be music to my heart... to see him in the bath one more time, laughing at Noah... to see our dog Emma walk up and give him a big lick... to find Co-Co Bean stealing his nookie... would be answers to my prayers! If only I could turn back the hands of time to relive those 12 weeks and 3 days. It would be one of the greatest pleasure I could ask for... I could skip the final day of his life... that one wasn't fun, but in retrospect I was able to say good bye to him, I was able to kiss his face and tell him that he was loved and that every second of his life he was a blessing and a gift that both Nathan and I thanked God for! My parents and Nate's were able to say their good-byes... he passed away surround by love.  Would I re-do that day? Yes.  If the outcome of his life would always end on that day, then yes I would want it to be the same way.  I would want those moments to smother him in my love again, to caress every inch of him and feel his hair lightly against my face... yes.  I would want that.  But BACK to reality, I know that isn't possible.  The clock only moves forward and as I have said time and time again, it continues to amaze me how fast our time has gone.  I remember posting on Facebook that it had been two weeks since he passed and now it has been almost 8 months and we are approaching what would have been his first birthday.   We are approaching a day that should be filled with birthday cake and balloons and a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY banner... it should be filled with laughter, joy and happiness as Nate and I look at each other, teary eyed, knowing this is the last first birthday we would be celebrating for our children.  Instead, we are busy planning 'a celebration of life' gathering.  We are trying to figure out how to honor his memory and how to make his life have a legacy... we are trying to keep his memory alive as much as we can.  We are excited about our "little things with BIG love" campaign and we think we will have a pretty heartfelt moment on the weekend of his birthday... but clearly I wish it were different.  I wish I could turn back the hands of time and see him again...