Giving Back

I have lots of mixed emotions this month…. November 18th will be Declan's 2nd birthday.  I have been trying to imagine all the things little two year olds are into these days.  Trucks, tractors, Thomas the train… he'd be potty training, walking and talking and annoying his big brother and sister…. he would be pulling Murray's tail and laughing at his reaction.  Those are the things we are missing out on…. those are the dreams we've lost.

In honor of our sweet boy's 2nd birthday, we decided to do something for someone else.  We want to give back to the very place that helped us realize how to take the first steps towards healing and acceptance.  A place that we hold so near and dear to our hearts… Faith's Lodge.  People have asked 'what about it was special?' and I honestly can't explain.  I think a big part of it was being with other people who had experienced a loss… and a sense of completely being able to let your guard down because no one was going to be insensitive or say something offensive… I think it was about not needing to pretend you were ok… I think it was about an understanding of perspectives.   Whatever it is, it's not understandable to someone who hasn't lost a child… and for those who have, it is tough to get because it feels so risky to put yourself and your emotions out there, and less face it, it seems almost to "kumbayaish" and not normal.  BUT for us, we had no where to go and nothing to lose… and it was a beautiful experience for us.

http://www.faithslodge.org

Please join us in raising our goal of $500 for Faith's Lodge and the families that visit there who are looking to find a little hope again.

Please follow the link below to our very own fundraising page, called "Declan's Dreamers".   We will be raising funds now until February 16th… Both Nathan and I sincerely thank you for your donation.  I can promise you that every cent earned will make a difference in someone else's journey!

http://givemn.razoo.com/story/Declan-S-Dreamers 

With much love and appreciation,
Holle

The struggle…

Often times I get caught up in my own 'yuck'… I let my thoughts drift to, "This is too much for me"  I start feeling overwhelmed and inept at being me… I wonder how I got to this place in my life.  I start thinking about being 'done' with everything… being done with grief,  done with being married,  done with parenting, done with working… done being ME.  There are times when it is just is too much (before you get concerned, I am not talking about suicide!!).  Like I think if I could just take a break from chaotic mornings and busy evenings and escape reality for just a brief bit… my perspective might change.  Maybe…  but maybe it wouldn't.  I am starting to think that grief plays more of a role in my life than I realize.  I wonder and I ask myself… was I always so dramatic and quick to say, "this is too much!" For those who know me well, I am not talking about my tendency to be a drama queen, I know full well I can be one of those!  But lately it feels like any thing that feels stressful or negative almost drives me into hysteria.  I stop and think no one deserves to put up with me… my kids deserve more. Wouldn't you think that after losing one child, I would be the epitome of a good mom! I would be attentive and kind and gentle… pretty sure gentle is not a word my children would use to describe me at the current moment in time… it would probably be more like unpredictable…. I think grief is my biggest problem with all of this…grieving mucks up the mind, plays tricks on your heart and confuses me…  as I have mentioned before I struggle with feeling like I don't know who I am since he passed away, making it hard to feel centered and rational… I struggle with finding myself in this journey.  I struggle coming to terms with Declan's death… I think I might have finally accepted that it is real, but now that means figuring out what life means… moving forward and keeping his memory alive, yet living in the present… it's messy and hard… it is the ugly reality of coming to terms with what death does to the living.   It makes you question everything you thought you knew…

As far as 'being done' with everything… well, what are my options with that?  The only one that works for me is sticking to it, working on what it means to be me and figuring life out again.   Its sucks sometimes… a lot of the time, but I do believe that this will only make me stronger and that it will get easier.  For now, I know that I am ok with just being who I am… whatever that means.

Identity crisis...

You know those moments when you are sitting in church and the sermon literally is speaking to YOU... when you look around the church, wondering if anyone is staring at you, because clearly Pastor is talking about you directly!? It almost feels like a personal invasion at first, like you want to stand up and ask, "how did you know?" well I had that moment last night!  I shed tears on and off through out the sermon (yes, I am that girl who openly cries at church) and left with my mind racing and my heart pondering...

The question was/is "who am I?"  Not 'tell me about yourself... what are your likes and dislikes, where do you live' but "Who.... am... I?!"  Since losing Declan, I have struggled with this... I've been experiencing an identity crisis.  What is true is that I am different.  I have a "before" and "after" version of myself.  If someone had asked me who I was 2 years ago I would have confidently answered "I am an educator, a mother, a wife and a friend."   I would have answered that based on where I spent my time and my energy.   I knew who I was... I knew what I was good at and how to live in a manner that complemented that.  I held my head high and felt like I had life figured out.   I was loud, daring, adventurous and dare I say, even kind of funny.  I laughed easy, smiled frequently and thought I was indestructible.

When Declan died all that changed.  I have felt very much like my identity is wrapped up in his death.  For at least the first year, I had nothing else to say about me... I was a grieving mother.  What else was there for anyone to know?! Why would it matter what I did for a job?  Why would anyone need to know if I have other children?  And yes, I am married... but that DOESN'T CHANGE the fact that my child died.  Everything seemed second to that.... I could not see past his death.  I had no room to be anything else...  His death was who I was....

As I sat in church, thinking about how I would answer that question now, I came up blank.  I don't know who I am.  I don't know how to be me and a grieving mother.   I am a work in progress maybe... still trying to figure out how to move through his death without letting his death be me...  but I am treading in unfamiliar territory... not sure what steps I need to take.

But then Pastor said, "Who am I?" is the wrong question to be asking....we should be asking "whose I am?" What makes me special goes beyond WHO I AM... it's WHOSE I am that defines me.   Once I turn my identity to being a child of God, than the pressure to be the perfect grieving mother, the best mother to my living children, the greatest wife is taken away and I realize that I can be content with being 'a work in progress'. Who I am?? In a nutshell... I am a child of God and everything else is second to that.

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine." Isaiah 43:1

* I must give Pastor Heiden credit for being the inspiration for this post.  Beyond my internal struggle in identifying who I am since Declan's death, he helped me put a perspective on this that I hadn't thought about. Thank you Pastor!  :) 

the Wave of light...

In 1998, Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month.  October 15th is the day that grieving families and friends who support them are invited to light a candle in remembrance of our children who left our lives too soon.  As we prepare for tomorrow and how we can honor Declan, I invite you to also light a candle at 7pm.  Light it for Declan or light it for another child... it's up to you. But please, help shatter the silence that surrounds pregnancy and infant loss! One in 4 woman will experience the extreme pain of losing a child. 

Today, for us, it also marks the 1 year and 8 month anniversary of Declan's angel date... 

It is so hard to believe he's been gone that long... that my life has been turned upside down and flipped around for that long.  There are days when I would consider myself 'good'.  There are times when I think I am getting my life is some order that I can live with.  There are also times that I feel my world is crumbling at my feet... days when I can't even begin to comprehend what has happened to me.  Then, to be truthful, there are moments that I can't even remember having had him.... I feel ashamed to admit that... how could a mother ever forget her baby?  I have no answer except that time is my ultimate thief... time steals my memories and makes me feel like I am always in such a rush that I don't have "time" to grieve.  

I knew it would happen that I would forget the sound of his voice... what he smelled like.... if only I had caught his perfection in a video, but I know I would watch it over and over... and it would become something more than just a video, like an idol.   

I wish I wasn't living this life... I wish I was not a grieving mother... I wish our family was just like yours.  If only wishes could come true.   BUT... we are living this life the best we can, we try to live each day to it's fullest.  We try to see the beauty that God has surrounded us with...  I try to hold my head up high, embracing this stupid challenge with grace and dignity.  There will come a point in my life when my children look back and start understanding the 'bigness' of our loss and I want them to see that their mother and father rose above the situation to become something better than they were prior to his death. 

A part of me did die with my sweet Declan... but we are working hard at making sure what we rebuild in its place honors his precious memory and will make him proud! 

Please consider joining us tomorrow night at 7pm, lighting a candle in memory of our son and in honor of all families struggling through the loss of their little ones. 

Remembering...

October is Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month, I've also heard it referred to as SIDS awareness month... either way, I am 'participating' in this....not sure what that means and how I will choose to honor my sweet Boy.... I haven't gotten it all figured out, but I know I will be doing something. 

As part of my journey, I have found great comfort in reading other mother's blogs.  I am comforted by their words and oddly enough, their pain... it helps me to know, I am not alone.  I know of mother's who have no desire to connect with other grieving families, but for me it has been instrumental in my process... I personally see child loss as such a lonely journey... people either don't know what to say to you or how to support you or are overwhelmed with their own emotions and they don't want to "upset" you more.... so finding other mothers who understand what it really is like, helps me.  I enjoy reading a blog called Carly Marie, Project Heal.  She lost her son, Christian in 2007.  She has been sharing her journey with the world through many different projects and one of them is called "Capturing your Grief" and is a photographic challenge to promote healing and personal growth.  So... long story short I will be doing this challenge this month.  To read more about Christian's story and follow Carly Marie, here is her blog link: http://carlymarieprojectheal.com

Here is my first photo... the sunrise.  It's a little blurry due to how far I had to zoom to really capture these beautiful deer, but the essence remains the same.... A mother deer, with her two babies... enjoying the beans in the field and being at peace with the world.  

The interesting thing about this photo is that I stopped almost in the same place the day Declan died and took a picture of the sunrise.  For many months after he had passed I lost my ability to see God's beauty in my every day life...  my world was bleak and instead of seeing the dancing colors of our magnificent surroundings, I saw grays and muted, dull, lifeless colors... I remember wondering once if I would ever be in awe of nature again or if I was now sentenced to a life of sadness and boringness.   

I have however, recaptured that joy... the joy in the nothingness that is God's splendorous creation. 

Finding my JOY

This weekend we celebrated our sweet Coco's birthday.  She turned 4 this past week and I can hardly believe it!  It amazes me how fast time flies.   My living children's birthdays are difficult for me. I still have such a hard time celebrating life when I know all to well the reality of death.   I want so badly to make the day special for the kids, but even with all the bells and whistles, I can't rid myself of the sadness that creeps into my heart.... I continue to think of the fact that I will never be having a party for Declan.

However, I look at my living kiddos and my heart swells with pride and joy.  I am so thankful for them.  I often ask myself 'what did I do to deserve these precious people?'... that is typically followed with an extreme sadness as I remember that I am not able to have one of my children with me physically and that as lucky as I am, I am also so very unlucky as well. 

Slowly, I am moving forward in my journey... slowly I am excepting mine and Declan's fate.  I am trying to embrace this new life... this life with a broken heart, a raw wound sitting right beneath my chest.  I am always trying to see the JOY that God is consistently offering me.  This weekend part of that joy was Coco's beautiful birthday cake, made by a dear friend who I would not know if I wasn't on this journey.  

Another joy was this beautiful smile.... and this sweet little girl.  This momma is so blessed to have her! As much as my heart hurt... as much as I wanted to take a moment to have a good cry... when I saw those blue eyes looking at me with so much joy and excitement, I knew I had to put a smile on this face of mine and keep the party moving!  Enjoying as much as I could as it happens. 

I will always find myself thinking about the parties I won't be having for Declan... the little smile that I should be seeing, but won't be... the squeals of delight as each new present is open that I won't hear...  that immense sadness that I know I will feel is always soothed by three amazing people... My dear sweet loving husband, my goofy, brilliant oldest son Noah and my very own princess, Coco.  Together the three of us are walking this journey side by side... day by day and taking each moment to try and see the JOY that is abundantly supplied to us. 

This thing we call life

Twelve years ago today, Nathan and I said our 'I do's'.  We looked at each other, promised to love each other through sickness and in health and until death parts us.... we walked out of our crowded church, holding hands and beaming with excitement.  Looking back on our special day I admire our innocence... I envy our naiveness... I am jealous of the dreams that we had and the belief that life would always be perfect.  I was 24 years old... I had yet to realize that bad things do happen to good people.  There was no way I could have ever imagined the sadness I would feel because I was so overwhelmed with happiness.  Our future held endless possibilities, endless potential and was the beginning of a bright life together.  We had big dreams... but we didn't want anything out of the ordinary...

Our wedding sermon was called "Minding your Ps and Qs" and although I don't remember Pastor Kevin's exact take on it, I remember him talking about minding our manners... saying Please and thank You to each other... being tender with each other's hearts.... and appreciating our relationship and the people that we are and loving one another through the ugly and dark times.  Complimenting each other freely and expressing our love towards one another often. Remembering to nurture our relationship and never take it for granted. 

However, after losing Declan, our relationship changed.  It had to.  I believe nothing stays the same as it was before.  In our life there is a definite "before and after" when it comes to his death... and although from an outsiders perspective our lives may mirror what and who we were prior to losing our son, trust me, we are different.   In our marriage now, I would say we are more quick to move past anger.  We have more faith in our commitment to each other.   We love deeper and allow each other to be vulnerable.   We hold each other while the other one sobs... stroke each other's back during the bad days.   We also have moments and days when anger comes quickly and hurtful words find their way out of our mouths before we have a chance to think about it.  When our raw, wounded heart can't take another minutes of feeling like it does and it snaps... We need to work more on finding the middle ground again... getting to a point where we can recognize that the hurt is building and needs some way of releasing itself.   But... these moments flee fast and are followed by immense guilt, followed by a flood of tears.  What I am realizing is how important, now more than ever, it is to "Mind our Ps and Qs" with each other.... our damaged and bruised souls need extra love, extra patients and extra tenderness... today, I wonder if Pastor Kevin is thinking about those words... is there anyway he could possibly know what his wedding sermon, 12 years ago, would mean for us today.   I would think that even Pastor would have to admit, that was God preparing our hearts for this unthinkable loss.  

It's been a journey I can't imagine taking with anyone else.... it's been a trip to hell and back... but together, Nathan and I have found what it means to work as a team and put together some resemblance of healing... each day we walk two steps forwards and somedays we take three steps back, but we are walking... one way or other, together we will walk hand in hand, fighting for each other and fighting for this thing we call life.

Happy Anniversary Nathan Lee... everyday you make me a better person than I was the day before.