The struggle…

Often times I get caught up in my own 'yuck'… I let my thoughts drift to, "This is too much for me"  I start feeling overwhelmed and inept at being me… I wonder how I got to this place in my life.  I start thinking about being 'done' with everything… being done with grief,  done with being married,  done with parenting, done with working… done being ME.  There are times when it is just is too much (before you get concerned, I am not talking about suicide!!).  Like I think if I could just take a break from chaotic mornings and busy evenings and escape reality for just a brief bit… my perspective might change.  Maybe…  but maybe it wouldn't.  I am starting to think that grief plays more of a role in my life than I realize.  I wonder and I ask myself… was I always so dramatic and quick to say, "this is too much!" For those who know me well, I am not talking about my tendency to be a drama queen, I know full well I can be one of those!  But lately it feels like any thing that feels stressful or negative almost drives me into hysteria.  I stop and think no one deserves to put up with me… my kids deserve more. Wouldn't you think that after losing one child, I would be the epitome of a good mom! I would be attentive and kind and gentle… pretty sure gentle is not a word my children would use to describe me at the current moment in time… it would probably be more like unpredictable…. I think grief is my biggest problem with all of this…grieving mucks up the mind, plays tricks on your heart and confuses me…  as I have mentioned before I struggle with feeling like I don't know who I am since he passed away, making it hard to feel centered and rational… I struggle with finding myself in this journey.  I struggle coming to terms with Declan's death… I think I might have finally accepted that it is real, but now that means figuring out what life means… moving forward and keeping his memory alive, yet living in the present… it's messy and hard… it is the ugly reality of coming to terms with what death does to the living.   It makes you question everything you thought you knew…

As far as 'being done' with everything… well, what are my options with that?  The only one that works for me is sticking to it, working on what it means to be me and figuring life out again.   Its sucks sometimes… a lot of the time, but I do believe that this will only make me stronger and that it will get easier.  For now, I know that I am ok with just being who I am… whatever that means.