the Wave of light...

In 1998, Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month.  October 15th is the day that grieving families and friends who support them are invited to light a candle in remembrance of our children who left our lives too soon.  As we prepare for tomorrow and how we can honor Declan, I invite you to also light a candle at 7pm.  Light it for Declan or light it for another child... it's up to you. But please, help shatter the silence that surrounds pregnancy and infant loss! One in 4 woman will experience the extreme pain of losing a child. 

Today, for us, it also marks the 1 year and 8 month anniversary of Declan's angel date... 

It is so hard to believe he's been gone that long... that my life has been turned upside down and flipped around for that long.  There are days when I would consider myself 'good'.  There are times when I think I am getting my life is some order that I can live with.  There are also times that I feel my world is crumbling at my feet... days when I can't even begin to comprehend what has happened to me.  Then, to be truthful, there are moments that I can't even remember having had him.... I feel ashamed to admit that... how could a mother ever forget her baby?  I have no answer except that time is my ultimate thief... time steals my memories and makes me feel like I am always in such a rush that I don't have "time" to grieve.  

I knew it would happen that I would forget the sound of his voice... what he smelled like.... if only I had caught his perfection in a video, but I know I would watch it over and over... and it would become something more than just a video, like an idol.   

I wish I wasn't living this life... I wish I was not a grieving mother... I wish our family was just like yours.  If only wishes could come true.   BUT... we are living this life the best we can, we try to live each day to it's fullest.  We try to see the beauty that God has surrounded us with...  I try to hold my head up high, embracing this stupid challenge with grace and dignity.  There will come a point in my life when my children look back and start understanding the 'bigness' of our loss and I want them to see that their mother and father rose above the situation to become something better than they were prior to his death. 

A part of me did die with my sweet Declan... but we are working hard at making sure what we rebuild in its place honors his precious memory and will make him proud! 

Please consider joining us tomorrow night at 7pm, lighting a candle in memory of our son and in honor of all families struggling through the loss of their little ones.