Looking ahead...

The days are drawing near to our one year anniversary of the passing of our sweet boy. I struggle with it... I am in disbelief.  I lack the words to express how I feel.  I have always been able to put into words the emotions I carry in my heart, but not today... not lately.  Besides being able to identify my extreme feelings of discontent.... I don't know what these feelings are that I am experiencing.  A mix of anger, longing, self-pity... the list could on, but as I try to make sense of the ickiness I feel every day I have come to a cross roads.  We are at the one year anniversary, but what does that mean?! What does that matter?! He is still gone... I am no more or no less the grieving parent I was 6 months ago... or that I imagine I will be 6 months from now.   Does coming up to the one year passing define anything, change anything, make me stronger or weaker or make it any less real or more true?! No.  He's gone.  My son died.... February 14th, 2013 doesn't change that.  My pain is still here, my heart is still broken, and I still go on figuring out how to survive.   Yet, I know the day will be impactful.  It is a "special" day (for lack of a better word).  I am looking ahead with much anxiety and sadness to this anniversary and looking back on the journey I have been forced to live every day.  I have handled and dealt with the loss of my child and I have become a better person, a better mother, a better wife and a better friend because of this road I have traveled... and I am not sure  how that makes me feel.