More and more I am feeling... for lack of a better word - icky... I want something more, but I can't quiet put it into words. I know I want this journey to be over... I want someone to tell me it was a bad joke and it is finally coming to an end.
I want more than I have right now... I know there are all those inspirational signs out there saying things like "the secret to being happy is not having what you want, but wanting what you have" and something about 'accepting what you have...' and I know it. I get it. I wonder though, did the person who say that experience a child dying? Did the people who say those things ever watch their child die? Probably not. Great advice is so easy to give, following it is another story. I don't know if its because I am coming up to the one year anniversary of his passing that I am feeling so out of sorts or what, but it's really hard for me to be ok with the situation I have been put in. I want someone else to carry this heavy burden... but I really don't want this to happen to someone else, I just wish it hadn't happen to me. I don't want to be the mom whose baby died.... I want my family complete again. How do you live wanting something you know you will never have again? How?! How do I move past that feeling? How do I move from wanting, longing, and aching for your son to accepting what I have been given? I am still trying to figure that out...
I too had my son die. Pass away. Go home. Whatever you call it, however eloquently you try to make it sound it is always the same thing...he is dead. And I HAVE to accept that. This past Saturday was the 1 year anniversary for me walking into his room and happily saying, "good morning baby boy, you slept so well!"....and then pulling back his blanket to realize he had been dead for hrs. Its something I will never forget, but dealing with it or coming to a point where accepting it IS possible doesnt have to be so hard. I have found such Peace and release from having to "carry the burden" because I know that God has gladly taken it from me! I know that my sweet baby boy is in heaven and I know that not only is there no pain or sadness for him but he is Glorifying God and singing praises and dancing all for the glory of God. How can I be sad that my boy is so much wiser then I? That he has already seen the face of God? That he can never sin again and never be burdened by the woes of this evil life we live in??? I am so grateful that God allowed for him to be taken early...even though every part of me wants to be selfish and still have him here, I know God's plan is far greater then I could ever immagine. I know that my family IS complete because my Nehemiah is not dead...he lives for ever with my God and Savior. It is US who is missing from the family...the family that will all be together some glorious day...in heaven! God is the only one who can ever make you not feel icky...you never have to forget though. Of course as moms we will always love our babies and think about them but God has also given us a responsibility to the other children he has blessed us with. I dont know where you stand spiritually and hope that you dont mind that I have been praying for your heart break....even though we dont know each other we have the deaths of our sons in common and I just want you to know that you are thought of and empathized with. There are not many other people that can relate to the feelings of losing a baby. Not many that can really say they understand. I can and do....as much as I wish I didnt. Thanks for being strong and sharing your heart and being so honest with yourself. I know it can be a very hard thing to do.
ReplyDeleteBethany Gerrick (A mutual friend of Jen Smith)
beautifully said!
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