Getting what you ask for

Over the past 11 months, I have become a master at both addressing and avoiding this thing called grief.  In the beginning Nate and I went to a great grief group called, Grief Share and we both really liked it and got so much out of it.  It really felt like we were dealing with our pain head on. Then summer came and we were just busy doing family things and being out enjoying the season that we stopped going to group.  We had every intention of starting back up in the fall when we returned to our routine.  Then fall came, Noah started swim club and it just so happened that practices were on Mondays, which was the night that we went to group.  I became great at being busy and being on the go... rushing from one activity to another... each night filled with something to do.  If it wasn't an activity for the kids, it was a tv show that I looked forward to.  Then this weekend happened.  It was our first weekend staying at home in... I don't even know how long.  Saturday was ok... we were busy cleaning in the morning, doing little things with Big love in the afternoon and bowling and supper with a dear friend Saturday night.  Then Sunday happened... we had NO plans. Nothing to do... and I couldn't avoid the hurt that is there.  I had nothing to take my mind off Declan's death... it was tough.  I found myself feeling wore out, bored, and I wasn't sure how to fill my time.  I realized today, I've become a master avoider of the pain I still carry with me.  I have my moments  - mostly in the car.  Get the right song on the radio and I am a bawling mess, but then I get to daycare, wipe my tears and get the kids and it's go go go the rest of the night.  I am not sure how I got to this point, but I know that a few months ago there were times when I would start to drift into thought about my loss and I would cut myself off from thinking about it, saying I don't want to go there... I think it's easy to do... pushing those feelings down and being so busy that there is no time to process and heal.  I have allowed myself to take the easy road and am getting exactly what I've asked for... keeping the pain at bay and feeling as happy as I can, yet avoiding true healing and acceptance... but, I am not sure how to fix what I have created... except now that I have identified my avoiding behavior, all I can do it work on changing it... asking God to help me face my grief head on...

Looking ahead...

The days are drawing near to our one year anniversary of the passing of our sweet boy. I struggle with it... I am in disbelief.  I lack the words to express how I feel.  I have always been able to put into words the emotions I carry in my heart, but not today... not lately.  Besides being able to identify my extreme feelings of discontent.... I don't know what these feelings are that I am experiencing.  A mix of anger, longing, self-pity... the list could on, but as I try to make sense of the ickiness I feel every day I have come to a cross roads.  We are at the one year anniversary, but what does that mean?! What does that matter?! He is still gone... I am no more or no less the grieving parent I was 6 months ago... or that I imagine I will be 6 months from now.   Does coming up to the one year passing define anything, change anything, make me stronger or weaker or make it any less real or more true?! No.  He's gone.  My son died.... February 14th, 2013 doesn't change that.  My pain is still here, my heart is still broken, and I still go on figuring out how to survive.   Yet, I know the day will be impactful.  It is a "special" day (for lack of a better word).  I am looking ahead with much anxiety and sadness to this anniversary and looking back on the journey I have been forced to live every day.  I have handled and dealt with the loss of my child and I have become a better person, a better mother, a better wife and a better friend because of this road I have traveled... and I am not sure  how that makes me feel.

Living with longing...

More and more I am feeling... for lack of a better word - icky... I want something more, but I can't quiet put it into words.  I know I want this journey to be over... I want someone to tell me it was a bad joke and it is finally coming to an end.  I want more than I have right now... I know there are all those inspirational signs out there saying things like "the secret to being happy is not having what you want, but wanting what you have" and something about 'accepting what you have...' and I know it.  I get it.  I wonder though, did the person who say that experience a child dying?  Did the people who say those things ever watch their child die? Probably not.  Great advice is so easy to give, following it is another story.  I don't know if its because I am coming up to the one year anniversary of his passing that I am feeling so out of sorts or what, but it's really hard for me to be ok with the situation I have been put in.  I want someone else to carry this heavy burden... but I really don't want this to happen to someone else, I just wish it hadn't happen to me.  I don't want to be the mom whose baby died.... I want my family complete again.   How do you live wanting something you know you will never have again? How?! How do I move past that feeling?  How do I move from wanting, longing, and aching for your son to accepting what I have been given? I am still trying to figure that out...