Traveling the grief highway...

I've noticed some changes in my life and my grief.  The other day, while I was getting ready I cried and cried...  As I sobbed, upset about losing Declan and having to be in the situation of trying to figure out how to honor my son's life,  I continued getting ready.  I went through all the motions of getting myself set for the day - all while crying.  I thought about that how odd it was that my tears didn't slow me down or change up my day.  It actually kind of shocked me that I wasn't momentarily 'crippled' by my wave of sadness... right after losing Dex, the grief and pain were so intense that when I was crying I had to stop what I was doing or be sitting down because I could think of nothing else, let alone be productive.  Now, after 9 months the pain is still there, still close to the surface, but I have figured out that my time doesn't stop.... that I still have to get through a day...I still have to work... I still have to parent... I still have to get supper on the table... but the hurt is still there, the pain doesn't go away just because I have obligations.... so I cry while I go about getting on with the day.   Leave it to a woman to multitask grief!  Tears are such a natural part of my life lately that it only seems normal that I would just continue to go about my business while I have my moment.  After I pull myself together... No, I wouldn't even say 'pulled myself together' because, although I have break downs like that, most of the time there is nothing to pull together. The tears just stop, I clean up my face and continue on with whatever is happening.   It's kind of like going down a highway, with so much to see... your head swivels from side to side as you take in the sights... your so busy looking that you have to slow down and allow cars to pass you as you continue to crawl along... but as you become use to the surroundings and you get your bearings to this strange new place, you can start to speed up and continue down the highway, still checking it out, occasionally needing to pull over for a break, but pretty much your like  on auto  pilot... going through the motions.  That is what I feel like.... I have got my bearings to my grief, I am done looking around for answers and for something to change, I am on auto pilot... getting through and getting by.... yet there are still moments when I asked myself "why us?!"