I can not believe that Sunday is Declan's birthday. I can't stop thinking about where we were a year ago... or where we should be now. I can't stop feeling sorry for myself. I can't stop wishing it was different... and a completely irrational voice in my heart continues to think this will somehow change and he will somehow come back to me. I am still in disbelief at the finality of it... of death. I am trying to accept his passing as truth, but my heart is continuing to say "STOP... don't believe it!" I find there are times now when I start to think about his passing and I find myself shaking my head and thinking, 'I don't want to think about that right now.' Not in a manner that I am trying to forget, but like thinking about it makes it real again... like I have to re-expereince the pain, the hurt, and the numbness all over. For the first few months, I lived with half of my head constantly lost in thoughts about him and his passing and reliving that day over and over again... and I was ok with it! I wanted it that way. Now I don't know where I am at... I like to think about my sweet little man often, but sometimes the thoughts about his death are too much...they hurt more than I want to hurt... I am trying to come to terms with the idea that fairy tales don't always have happy endings, but that doesn't mean the story wasn't worth hearing or in my case, living. I am trying to cope and figure out what tomorrow will bring. I am trying to identify who the new me is... I am figuring out how to walk this path, travel this journey and come out a better person because of him... I am trying "to learn to dance in the rain" as that sayings goes.... I just really hate being wet.Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Disbelief
I can not believe that Sunday is Declan's birthday. I can't stop thinking about where we were a year ago... or where we should be now. I can't stop feeling sorry for myself. I can't stop wishing it was different... and a completely irrational voice in my heart continues to think this will somehow change and he will somehow come back to me. I am still in disbelief at the finality of it... of death. I am trying to accept his passing as truth, but my heart is continuing to say "STOP... don't believe it!" I find there are times now when I start to think about his passing and I find myself shaking my head and thinking, 'I don't want to think about that right now.' Not in a manner that I am trying to forget, but like thinking about it makes it real again... like I have to re-expereince the pain, the hurt, and the numbness all over. For the first few months, I lived with half of my head constantly lost in thoughts about him and his passing and reliving that day over and over again... and I was ok with it! I wanted it that way. Now I don't know where I am at... I like to think about my sweet little man often, but sometimes the thoughts about his death are too much...they hurt more than I want to hurt... I am trying to come to terms with the idea that fairy tales don't always have happy endings, but that doesn't mean the story wasn't worth hearing or in my case, living. I am trying to cope and figure out what tomorrow will bring. I am trying to identify who the new me is... I am figuring out how to walk this path, travel this journey and come out a better person because of him... I am trying "to learn to dance in the rain" as that sayings goes.... I just really hate being wet.
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((hugs)) I understand, as you know. For me, the thing that helps the most is to remember that my son is ALIVE in Heaven. Still not easy, but helps. It's grief. That's all there is to it. So glad we can voice our feelings to God! He understands, even if we don't. ((hugs))
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