The disconnect

Living with the knowledge that you have a 'hole' in your heart is hard...I am always aware of the hurt. It doesn't leave.  There are times, thank God that I can laugh and take pleasure in simple things.  There are times when I can be upbeat, cheerful and energetic. There are other times, like right now, when I have 'butterflies' (for lack of a better word) in the pit of my stomach.  It is a similar feeling that I remember having in high school, when you suspected your relationship was in trouble and it just felt icky.... it is knowing you can't have something (in my case, someone) that you want...Knowing again, that you have no control over your situation.  I think that must take time to fully sink in.... cuz my head gets it.... my heart is lagging behind.  There is disconnect between my mind and my heart often!  I often find myself feeling one way - like my heart asking WHY?! - and my mind saying, "there is no why and even if there was, you would still miss him!"  I know.  The words are there, I repeat them over and over...I know these things to be true, BUT that doesn't stop the heart from aching... that doesn't stop the tears from falling... that doesn't do anything for me right now.  I think there will come day when what I know to be true... there is no why, there are no 'what-if's', we all have a set number of days on earth, Declan would have died even if I had held him every day of his life.... will actually bring comfort.  The very logical side of me is hoping that day comes sooner than later, but my emotional side is unable to go there yet.  When I am having a 'stuck day' like I am today, with the ickys living in pit of my tummy I try to remember that I'm not the only one who has heartache in their life, I'm not the only one who is sad... there are things in my life I am thankful for.  However, I also believe its ok to have sad days.  The hard part is having a sad day without letting it consume my thoughts and my actions...

Play Therapy

Nothing lifts my spirits like hanging out with Noah and Courtlynn.  Their energy and excitement for life is contagious! They wear me out, but it feels good to play and be silly!! This past weekend we were able to spend some time engaged in some serious play therapy!



Here I go...

 There are many times when I will be in the middle of something and am hit with such an overwhelming feeling of sadness... it is hard to explain.  There are no triggers... just sorrow.  I couldn't help but allow myself to be overwhelmed with sadness at the idea that there will never be a day when Declan is able to play at the park.  There will never be a time where we can go exploring together.  There are so many 'things' in life that he will be missing out on.... I guess, in reality, Declan will never get to do anything... nothing....


Nana, Noah and Courty doing the train down the tornado slide

 I have to remind myself that Heaven is better than our world. Declan isn't missing out on anything.  His playground is WAY cooler than anything we have here.... there was a time when Noah would pray that God would give Dex a choice to come back....  Nate and I tried explaining that even if God gave Declan a choice, he wouldn't choose us because heaven is much more amazing than here!!


Lots of love for my kids

We are the ones missing out on being with him.... We are the ones wishing he was participating in fun activities with us.  We are the ones who wish he was here.  We are the ones missing our little Declan... but he is having the time of his life where he is... he is not missing out.


Exploring the lake, one stone at a time


 As a family we are busy trying to focus on the positive things life has to offer... evening walks, star gazing, sand castle building, family get togethers, parks, lakes and SO many other things...


Mommy and her sweet little girl

 We've learn to play harder, be sillier and to truly enjoy the time we have with our kids.  Life isn't like it once was, but I don't think it ever will be.  Death changes things.

One last time... hope I don't fall on my butt!

But change doesn't have to be bad.... just different.

If only life was fair

Today I learned of a family who lost their baby to (suspected) SIDS this morning.  A 5 month old little boy.... its almost hard to explain how it felt to hear that news.  Like a punch in the gut... it took my breath away and I immediately wanted to go to this family.  I want to wrap my arms around that mother and sob with her! I want to cry for her loss, I want to cry for my loss... I know how hard life becomes after losing your child.  I'm scared for them.... it's such a painful experience and I pray they have a good support unit holding them up right now because I know that is how Nate and I have made it through so far.  Please pray for this family...  PRAY for a cure to end to SIDS... OR gosh, lets start with praying they figure out what the hell SIDS is! I'm sick to my stomach right now that someone else is going through what we did.  Life is SO WICKEDLY unfair!  My heart is heavy with anger and hurt right now... I just want to scream "THEY ARE ONLY BABIES...why them!?!"  It has become painfully obvious, upon hearing this news, that my broken heart is still terribly tender.

Hold My Heart ~ Tenth Ave. North 

I miss you Declan!! I love you SO SO SO much little man :( 

It's hard to believe

It is hard to believe I took these photos 6 weeks ago this morning, February 14th, 2012.  I was on my way to work.  I remember being in a 'funny' mood that day because we were going to put Emma down and I was sad about that, but was also in such a thankful mood. Thankful for my family... we had a "family date" planned for the evening... Red Lobster and Cold Stone and I was really looking forward to it and thankful for the beauty that was surrounding me. I recall thinking that the trees were SO pretty.  They were covered with a coating of ice and snow crystals.  Everywhere I looked I was in awe of God's wonders and His glorious creation.  I was running late that day and I still decided to stop on the road and snap a few photos.... I wish I could have a morning like that again.  A morning when I could get up and take joy in the day.  A time when I could be so carefree that I stopped to enjoy the beauty of life.  A time when I truly saw the world through rose colored glasses.  I can hardly remember what it used to feel like, before the sting of death crept into our lives.  It's hard to believe that 6 weeks ago today, only hours after taking these photos, my son took his last breath on his own.  It's hard to believe how cruel life can be.  It's hard to believe!

 “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die..." John 11:23-26

"The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble." Psalm 9:9

That what does not kill us...

Imagine waking up to someone telling you that you have to run a marathon today.  Your not a runner and you never planned on becoming one... you can't train, you can't avoid it, you just have to get up and do it.  At the end of the day, you are drained of all energy, you hurt in places you didn't know could hurt,  you feel like the weight of the world is sitting on your shoulders, you feel numb and out of sorts and you are just thankful that you made it through and are happy it's over... but when you wake up the next day, you are told you have to run the marathon again and will have to do it everyday for the rest of your life.  Again, you have no time to prepare yourself or train your body to endure the stress and pain of the upcoming day... BUT you have to do it, there is no choice.  There are days when running the marathon isn't as bad as the previous day and there are other days when it stinks... over time, you start to learn how to handle the pain of the race, you build up some endurance and you have a lot of time to think as you go about your run.  Even though you would rather stop running the race, you realize it isn't going to kill you. In fact, it just might make you stronger...That is how my grief feels.

Daydreams and 'Son'shine

I'm sitting at the lake today, listening to the geese and the ducks making a racket outside.  Everyone is taking a nap and I am left alone to my thoughts and to enter my mind's world... which I very rarely get to do.  I can't help but wonder what I would be doing with this amazing day if my precious little Dex was with me.  Would we have gone for a walk this morning?  Would we be getting ready to watch Courty and Noah play in the sand?  Would he be lying on the floor smiling at me and laughing?  Clearly, I will never get to know those answers... but I am left to dream and wonder...there are times when my eyes sting with tears, but there are other times I smile and am able to have enjoyment in my daydreams.  There was once a time when my mind's world was filled with dream houses and unlimited riches, but not anymore.  I don't care how much money we have... we can feed, clothe and shelter our children comfortably and thats all that matters now.  I've learned the important things in life aren't things at all, but are the people with whom we choose to share our time with.   There was a time when getting together with old friends was a chore, something we 'should' do, but we often found ourselves too busy.... now I want my kids to know our friends and I want to be with the people that have shared in our lives because they are special and looking back on my life, these are the people that helped shape who I am.   I am looking forward to spending time today with old friends... I know there will be laughs and tears and that is perfectly acceptable.   I may not be able to say what I would be doing today if my sweet little Dex was here with me physically, but he is in my heart, now and always... and today WE are going to enjoy the sand, take in the sun and spend time with good people who love us and are helping to hold our hearts to lessen our pain!

Little Dreams and God Hugs

This morning, Noah told me about his nightmare that he had last night... "We were all on a ship and the ship was sinking.  Declan and I had to run to the front of the boat because there was too much water in the back.  It was really scary.  But then I jumped into the water and swam under the boat and patched the hole and saved everyone."   It hit me that in Noah's dreams we are still in the midst of a tragedy, but he is able to save us all... he is trying to wrap his little mind around what is going on and he just wants everything to be the way it was! He wants to save the day, its just so sweet.  Then the other night Noah and I were lying in bed before he went to sleep and there was a lull in the conversation and he grabs my head, pulls it close and whispers in my ear, "Declan loves you" and then turns over and falls asleep.  What a little honey.  I don't know where he came up with that, but I'd like to think maybe it was another "God Hug" letting me know Declan is thinking of us.

Courtlynn has also been trying to wrap her head around the events of Declan's passing.  She often wants to be covered up with a blanket and then held like a baby, then she'll say "I'm Declan. I didn't die." and she will fake cry.  She also likes to give me her little baby dolls and say, "Heres Declan mom" or her other famous line is "It's ok mom, we will see Declan tomorrow."  She melts my heart. Last night she was on her 'phone' and I could hear her talking loudly so I went to listen to what she was saying.  The conversation went something like this, 'You give him back.  You bring our baby back. You can't take our baby, he's ours!'  Then she hung her head and walked up to me and said, 'they not give Declan back'.  Then we sat on the floor in the kitchen, cried together and talked about Declan and how much we both miss him.  Then she whispered really softly, "Declan in Heaven with Jesus."  Another God Hug!

The healing process has been tough, but the kids have been so resilient and strong.  Not a day goes by that I am not amazed at how well they are holding up!

I'm so thankful for the two of them... they bring me so much joy and happiness!