Good Grief, grief stinks.

Here we are... once again at that dreaded time of year.  As strange as this may sound, I am trying to come to grips with the reality of Declan's passing.  You heard me right! It's been 6 years... I know what you are thinking, I know you are questioning my sanity, but yes, I am still trying to wrap my head around it.  I am still processing what this means for me... I feel at a loss for how to determine what life will look like.  Today a friend asked me how I was and I started to text saying, 'I'm fine' and I paused and thought, No... I am not going to lie... not to her and not to myself.  I am not fine today. I am moody and quick to anger.  I am defensive and feel pretty emotional.  If I am not feeling sad, I am feeling manic... I feel out of control and overwhelmed with grief.  I can not grasp living the rest of my life without Declan.  I can't fathom living everyday with a longing and aching for what I don't have.  The task of living the rest of my life with this discontentment is weighing me down and I am struggling with it.  I find myself trying to figure out what to fill the emptiness with ... clothes, shoes, food, drinks, more critters, more kids... but I am at a loss as to what fills that type of hole.  My search feels never ending... I know there is nothing that will take away the emptiness.  Nothing will replace or fill the void.  It is the constant feeling of chasing something I will never have and being satisfied with that.

That is what I am trying to come to grips with...That is what I am processing through on this 6th angelversary of Declan's passing.  I have always heard that grief changes and evolves over time and I believe that's true.  I just thought at 6 years I would feel more sure of myself and would feel more settled into who I am.  How does someone overcome that?  I was feeling pretty low and frankly alone when I decided to reach out to my fellow moms group and pretty much laid out all my hurts... I didn't mince words or try to sugar coat my brokenness and I was instantly aware of the support I have... these women who have cried with me, laughed with me, attended church with me and loved me as I am and held my hand as I found (am still finding) my path in this road responded with support and honesty.  I was reminded that Joy is a choice.  I can focus on my hurt and my feelings of life being unfair OR I can focus on finding Joy.  I stumbled across a few Bible verses tonight that felt meant for me... Isaiah 41:13 and Isaiah 43:2.  Both remind me that I am not alone. I only feel that way when I rely on my own self to get me through my grief.  When I open up and seek out support, I find it in abundance.  I am reminded that giving it back to Jesus is all I can do - "Crawl into HIS lap and cry or beat upon HIS chest. He knows, he knows and he loves you.  He weeps with you."  I am not alone and I have never been alone.

Sometimes it takes feeling at rock bottom to remind you to look up... to admit that I am not strong enough to do this on my own.  As I left work today, feeling defeated and wore out I had a God Nod that was very encouraging.  The first song that came on was Worn by Tenth Avenue North.  I actually looked to the sky and said, 'You're not kidding!"  The next song that came one was Strong Enough by Matthew West and it was literally perfect timing... it is the story of being at rock bottom and needing God to be the strong one... when you are so worn out that your soul feels crushed by the weight of this world, you need only reach out and say, "Hands of mercy won't you cover me.  Lord right now I am asking you to be strong enough for the both of us." 

I am still struggling with grief and I am still struggling to know how to handle my feelings but here are a few things I know to be true...  1) It's ok to not be ok.  2) I am not alone.   3) Joy is a choice... one that we work at everyday.

I love and miss you every day Declan!