A bad April fools joke…

Yesterday was April 1st… for lots of people it marks the day where you plan pranks and try to trick people into believing something that isn't true.  For Nathan and I it was the 4th anniversary of finding out that our third expectant child had passed away.  He (just guessing here) was 10 weeks and 4 days old.  I remember going in that day for an ultra sound and feeling so different than I had with Noah and Courtlynn; I had not experienced the morning sickness that plagued me before.  I was alone because Nate couldn't get out of work and I went back into the room.  The technician was chatty and nice and I felt very much at ease.  The familiar feel of the cold jelly on my belly gave me goosebumps but I was so excited to see our baby that I didn't mind.  The screen lit up and there he was… little arms, little legs, big head :) he looked perfect.  The technician only allowed the screen up for a few seconds before she turned it off.  I was confused. What was she doing?  She cleaned off my belly and said she had to go get the doctor because it appeared there had been a "demise" of my baby.  I buttoned up my jeans, pulled my shirt down and sat on the couch… shaking, not even crying, just shaking.  My teeth were chattering and I could not stop them, I ended up having to bite on my fingers to stop the movement.  The doctor came in, an older lady who spoke with a kindness the technician hadn't conveyed.  She put her arm around me and I started to bawl.  I was feeling such a strong mix of emotions.  I was devastated at the loss, but I also was feeling so guilty because I had been having hard time excepting this pregnancy and being ok with the new addition.  My daughter was only 4 months old when we found out we were expecting.  I felt ashamed and stupid that this had happened to us… like people were going to think we were irresponsible.  I cried many nights in the beginning.  We prayed for God to help us accept this change in our plan and be excited about this new life.  Shortly afterwards, both Nate and myself began to feel the familiar joy and excitement of this baby!  We began to tell our family the news and we were sincerely happy about our unexpected bundle of joy.  When the doctor told me the baby had passed away, I felt like it was my fault.  Like it was my lack of excitement and love that caused this to happen. I was crushed and felt so much guilt and sadness and I was alone.  Although this nice doctor was stroking my hand and was as kind as she could have been, I felt alone and that all I wanted was to be out of that room; to have my husband wrap his strong arms around me and tell me it was going to be ok.  When I got to the car, I called Nate.  I was crying and we had been joking that morning that I was probably pregnant with twins… so the first thing he said when he heard me crying was "oh my gosh, we are having twins!" No honey, we are not, in fact, we are not even having a baby anymore…  I remember lying in bed that night, thinking life couldn't be any harder… that I would never face anything more difficult in my life.   I felt like I had endured the worst April fools joke ever.

What I believe to be true is that our wonderful third child is in heaven with Declan…that the two of them are enjoying being brothers in the greatest playground ever!  I am excited to know there will be a day when I finally am able to meet our little one!