Discontent

I have been feeling very discontent lately.... I can't seem to shake it and on top of that feeling, I am angry.  I don't know where the anger is coming from, maybe it's always been there, lurking beneath the surface and I am not even aware of it.  But I think more accurately it stems from the great discontentedness I am wallowing in these days.  I want more... more time with Declan... to have one more Christmas with him... to have more soft baby face to kiss.   I want this to have not happened.  I want to wake up tomorrow and have life back the way it was meant to be.  That is what my heart wants, my mind knows that isn't a reality.   I can't even begin to explain how quickly my mind moves and changes... I want things that sound like a good idea at the time and then after thinking about it, change my mind.  I want a dog... I don't want a dog... I want to adopt a 16 year old kiddo named Jack (long story) and then I don't... I want to have another baby... and I still want another baby. That desire weighs heavy on my mind because it's not likely to happen very easily... extra, expensive steps would have to be taken to have one of our own or adopting would have to be considered as a real option.  And I am mad about that.  I hear about Rainbow Babies and how excited those families are and I want us to be those parents... getting another chance.  I am afraid though that what I really want is Declan and what I really want is more time with him.... so I find myself talking myself out of wanting another child.... it's a bit of a vicious cycle.  I think that going through the holidays and having the 1 year anniversary of his passing coming up has also contributed to my discontentedness and my anger.  It's kind of exhausting feeling like this.

Tonight at supper, those crazy feelings came to a head.  Nate was being silly and joking around with me and I started to laugh and it instantly turned into tears... not just a few silent gliders, but shoulders bouncing, tears streaming, can't catch my breath kind of crying... and to top it off we were at Pizza Ranch! I was embarrassed and wanted to stop, but every time I thought I was getting it under control the bawling continued.  Noah and Co-Co Bean were not sure what to think... I didn't even know what to think.  It was kind of scary because it felt like I had no control over it... and I had a really hard time catching my breath. It was icky and I felt bad for putting my family through it....

I guess what I need to remind myself is that I need to put it back in our Heavenly Fathers hands and trust that He has a plan bigger than I can imagine at the moment.