Everything gets broken

I've never experienced a broken bone... I don't know the pain that comes with that and I don't know what is worse...a real break or an emotional break?!  Over the course of the past 20 weeks I have begun to learn to live with my broken heart.  I have started adapting to a new life... I have started the journey to my new normal... this happens while the heart is still broken, when you realize the situation isn't changing and you either let it destroy you or you decide to face each day head on and you decide to let his death mean something....  But over the course of the past few weeks, when I see other mothers and their babies I can't help but feel like something else is broken... and maybe this will sounds odd... it actually took me a while to put a description to the feelings I was having, but here it is... losing a baby creates broken arms.  I look at my arms and I KNOW what they should be holding, I know what they are missing.  My arms ache to hold Declan.  My cradling arms are shattered and they feel empty and naked.... sometimes it feels like other mothers can actually tell I have lost my baby... like I have invisible cast on my arms that only mothers of babies can see.  Some times life seems like a cruel joke...what I have to remind myself is that no one can tell by looking at me that my child passed away, that is just me allowing anger and insecurity to creep into my life... but seeing those mothers with their babies makes my arms physically hurt.  I have to look away because, even though I am not mad at them per say, I get upset by my loss... I get upset that my arms are unable to do what they should be doing... I have broken arms and I suppose I always will... I will forever feel like we missed out on snuggles and hugs and piggy back rides... Even though my arms have been cheated and it is what I have been dwelling on lately, I also realize my very being has been cheated... the reality of losing a child is everything gets broken.  Today it is my arms that ache... tomorrow it will be something else.