A journey of the heart

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

What has death taught me...

I randomly read articles from an online magazine called Still Standing, Embracing Life after Loss and Infertility. Today I read one that I could really relate to... it was about how death has the ability to change people. I always think it strange that people talk about death as if it is some mysterious thing that only happens to unlucky people or to people who must have done something wrong... but we all die. I will die. You will die. WE all die... I have come to realize that the reason people freak out about death is because it's only supposed to be for old people. When an older person dies, its expected and most of the time they have lived a good life. People are comfortable with that type of death... people are not comfortable with death when it happens to children. People don't want to talk about it, people avoid the subject... maybe because they are afraid to make me sad or more likely, they know it will make them sad... or I speculate that its the grieving after death that really throws people. No one really knows how to respond to grief. No one teaches us how to travel down griefs dusty, bumpy, twisty and turny roads....but over the past year and 4 months I have learned that death happens and grief happens and I know without question, it will change you. This particular article had two sections... one about how death has negatively impacted her and one on how it has positively impacted her and although I could relate to both parts, I wanted to share only the second part. I highlighted the parts that struck a cord in my heart! After all this time, I can safely say I would rather have Declan here, but if I have to travel this journey, I am glad I have been able to learn from it and allow his life and death to make me who I am today.

Letting Death be Your Teacher by Rachel Lewis
"... Death has changed me. And sometimes, I hate what it has done. But it has also changed me for the better.

I know death has changed me when I study my daughter’s eyes, and savor every expression that dances across her face as an absolute gift.

I know death has changed me when I remember to loosen my grip on my little girl, and give her the chance to experience all that life can offer.

I know death has changed me when “I love you” always goes with my “good-bye.”

I know death has changed me when someone’s grief no longer scares me, and their tears feel like an invitation to share in the most sacred of moments together.

I know death has changed me when grief crosses all barriers, and binds my heart to another’s whom I otherwise never would have known, befriended, or loved.

I know death has changed me when imagining my death does not strike fear in my heart, but rather motivates me to leave my imprint on the world while I still have breath.

I know death has changed me when a baby is born alive and healthy, and I know what an absolute miracle she is.

I know death has changed me when I see heaven not as a resting place, but as a living place.

I know death has changed me when I choose to fight with God in prayer. I give Him my pain. My betrayal. My anger. And I place my bruised, bleeding heart into His perfect hands. He doesn’t heal my hurt. But He does always hold it for me.

I know death has changed me when I stop trying to be perfect. And instead, just try to be.

I know death has changed me when I have the courage to love a child I know I might not get to keep. Death has taught me that our time together will end. But love never ends. And love is always worth loss.

As often as I revolt against death, hating it for it’s power to change life — to end life — I have learned that death is not just an enemy, but it is a teacher.

Death will change you. But death can also teach you to live."

Monday, June 3, 2013

JOY no matter the circumstance...

Yesterday, I listened to a very wise man talk about joy... about what it means to live a life filled with joy and how some people just naturally seem to gravitate to it. He said that true joy comes no matter the circumstance... that joy isn't dependent on what is happening in our lives. Even when life has me down and out, even when I feel crushed and depleted, the joy that I have in my heart is still there. It doesn't always rise to the surface and bubble up, but true joy is always there.... I don't function well in sorrow, I don't thrive in sadness... shortly after Declan died, I knew I needed to do whatever it would take to move through my grief... not forget it, not avoid it, but move through it with purpose and determination to not only survive his death, but become someone stronger because of it.

There are days and moments when choosing to be joyful is difficult... when it seems like it's the last thing I want to do. Living joyfully take effort and it takes a change of attitude... but I would say for me, choosing joy doesn't mean I have a permasmile on my face and I am doing flips around the house... it doesn't mean that I am going to start lecturing you about being happy and not letting life's tough times get you down... to me, choosing joy means that I have HOPE that today's troubles and sorrows are merely bumps in the road and that I will find my happiness again. For me, looking at the death of my little guy, I can find JOY in the promise that I will see him again... I can rest peacefully knowing that I will hold him again, that I will kiss him again... that I will someday hear him call me 'mommy'! Someday... until then I will take the bad with the good, I will lean on God to be my support when I am not strong enough and I will continue to CHOOSE JOY... always.

"And my God will fully supply your every need according to His glorious riches in the Messiah Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:19

Strong Enough - Matthew West

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Finding beauty amongst the pain...

A wild flower, growing
among the dead leaves.

Mother's Day has come and gone (well basically)... once again I am forced to face the obvious, I am a grieving mother. I am not like most moms... I am not like the mom I once was... I am new to me, I am new to this grieving process and I am trying to be the best mom I can be for my two little living munchkins. Once upon a time, I enjoyed the 'typical' mothers day... getting dressed up for church in a fancy dress and going out for a fabulous lunch surrounded by loved ones. I got flowers and took pride in the family I had helped to create. Since losing Dex, that isn't what my mothers day is like. We attempted to stay somewhat traditional last night... church, followed by Old Country Buffett (fancy I know, but with kids, speedy wins out over luxury!). However, for me personally today wasn't about me as much as it was about what I am, about what I have and what I have lost. Today was about celebrating my journey, this terrible process I have been forced to live for the past year and three months. It was about trying to find beauty in the pain... about looking for more than meets the eye and seeing the blessings that still rain down on me.

My day started with breakfast in bed with an omelet made to order, coffee just the way I like it and looky, looky... a flower and a little present on the tray! Everything about the moment made me cry. It was so obvious how much love we have in our often times chaotic home that I couldn't help but shed some tears. We all hung out in bed, with only a few minor spills and then I opened my gift. Nathan and the kids had picked out a beautiful necklace in the shape of an angel.... it melted my heart! I love it so much!! What a blessing... even when it feels like there is nothing to celebrate....

After breakfast, we went to a local park and spent the morning and afternoon exploring nature, looking for items from our scavenger hunt and trying to remember what we are all about. When we first arrived we set out to see what was there, what miracles were at our finger tips... we ran into three older guys who were looking for wild flowers. They looked identical to the brothers from Swamp People... first I was a little scared, but once they started talking to us I realized they were just EXTREME nature lovers! They pointed out a bunch of amazing wild flowers... and the funny thing is until we ran into them, we hadn't seen any flowers.... makes me wonder if all we needed was a little help opening our eyes to those little beauties... after that we saw them everywhere! After hiking for a while, we had a picnic and snacked on... what else... peanut butter and jelly sandwiches! We soaked up the sun, talked about Declan, told jokes and laughed at nothing. It felt so good to be there, it felt like we were doing exactly what we were meant to be doing.... like some little boy had a hand in making my day so perfect and special. It's not always easy to see His blessings during the worst storm possible, but when I took time to savor the moment and look harder at what I've been given and still have, I am able to see the beauty amongst the pain.... I am able to grieve with the knowledge that even through this terrible loss... a loss that I will never forget... I have been richly blessed.

My heart melts for these two!

Relaxing and taking a break from our 3 mile hike today!

Blessed to have a man that can stand strong for me when I am weak...

They may not always get along, but they love each other deeply!

At the scenic over look.... thank goodness for the bench! We needed a break!

Always on our mind... and lives on in our hearts!

Your death doesn't change the fact that you made me a mother (again)... I loved you the moment I found out about you and I will love you until my last breath little man!

BLESSED.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Being a bereaved mother... who would've thunk it?

It's hard to imagine that I am once again going to be living through another mother's day without one of my children. Today is actually the International Bereaved Mother's day... who knew there was such a day? I sure didn't. But then... why would I've? I have been introduced to an entirely new world since losing Declan. A world filled with amazing people and extreme sadness... a world that understands that a smile or laughter doesn't mean your 'better'... a world that understands there is no such thing as 'better', only 'different'. I have heard people say "I just want you to get better... to get back to the old you." People always mean well. I know this to be 100% true. Yet, I struggle with their inability to truly understand life through our eyes... and in reality I am jealous of them. They say silly things not to be mean but because they have not been impacted by death's sting... they do not know that when your child dies... when your flesh and blood, a child you created is taken from you, there is NO going back. Going back would be to pretend he never existed... is to deny who you are now... nope, once death has seeped into your life, you have reached the ultimate "point of no return" on the old you... and from our eyes, from our perspective that is ok. I know I could not go back to the 'old me'. There was nothing wrong with the 'old me', but who I am today is stronger, more confident, more compassionate, more empathic, more aware of the impact of my choices and the life I live than who I was. Who I am today, on this international bereaved mothers day, is a direct result of one little man.... one little guy who I would give my final breath to see again, has changed my life completely and forever. His impact on my life, and hopefully the lives of others, continues to strengthen me and give me hope for the day when I will arrive in His kingdom. I believe that when you lose a child you come to a crossroad.... you can chose to let death defeat you or you can chose to let it teach you. I have chosen to let it teach me and take me to places I didn't know existed. Am I sad today... yes, always... but as I think about being a bereaved mother and all that has become a part of my life since his passing I am thankful that God allowed me to chose the path of teaching... because truthfully, letting it defeat me would have been a whole lot easier.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Getting in touch with grief...

This spring has been tough... work has been exhausting and the weather here has been terrible. I haven't felt up to writing simply because I knew I wouldn't be able to positive. When I was new in my grief, I didn't care if my posts were positive or negative because they were just what I was feeling... whether or not it provoked positive vibes from people was not something I cared about. Just being able to write made me feel better... blogging was a relief I hadn't expected. And now... not a day goes by when I don't think to myself 'that thought would make a great post' but my "me" time has been seriously compromised this spring and I don't feel like I have the time or the energy to do what I love.... to do what helps me heal... cuz it would mainly be a big ol' b***h session... Often I hear that life is a balance of work and personal life/family time... which is true... but when you add grief into the mix you have a very delicate balancing act of finding time to "lean into" your grief and focus on healing, work and family. I am lucky because often my family time and my healing time are one in the same, but still, after 14 months I still need my time to be alone in my thoughts, to embrace my grief and allow it to wash over me... as strange as that sounds I believe it to be important.

Sometimes the purpose of a day is to merely feel our sadness, knowing that as we do, we allow whole layers of grief, like old skin cells to drop off us ~ Marianne Williamson

I am struggling with finding that balance right now... I've got the balance of work and personal life down, but am wishing I had more time to focus on me and my healing. Where I can close my eyes and dream about what should have been... what was... and where I am going next. I have learned that living in grief is truly a moment by moment journey... a day by day excursion through unbelievable pain, confusion and denial... but as time goes by it has been easy to push my sadness away and tell myself "I don't have time for this"... the lesson I am in the process of learning is that it will catch up with you... grief can't be ignored, it can't be denied and it wont be swept under the rug.... no amount of excuses can stand up to grief's need to be dealt with. I started to realize this around the 1 year anniversary of his passing and I started going back to grief group and am so thankful I did. I am surrounded by old friends who provide comfort just by giving you a glance that says "I understand" and new friends who I hold so dear to my heart! Grief... you stink. Death... you suck! But I will not run from you... I will not let you destroy me. I have to believe that God will give me the ability to grow from Declan's loss, to 'learn' from this tragedy and to come out on the other side of the valley of the shadow of death a stronger person... a person that loves more, laughs harder and appreciates this beautiful thing we call LIFE.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Taking a stand... and being heard

The Sudden Unexpected Death, Data Enhancement and Awareness Act

Did you know that every year in the US...

More than 25,000 Stillbirths occur and half of them have no known cause?

More than 4,600 babies die of sudden unexpected infant death?

And 200 children, between the ages of 1 and 4 years, die without a specific cause ever found?

You can make a difference! Support this crucial legislation now!

"Serving as the most influential piece of SIDS/SUID/SUDC legislation to date, The Sudden Unexpected Death Data Enhancement and Awareness Act (S 314/HR 669) promises to promote unprecedented, positive change by improving death-scene data collection methods, establishing nationwide awareness and education plans, and expanding support services for families in need.

Please help give answers to families and save the lives of future generations by contacting your Congressmen today! "

CJ Foundation for SIDS This link has great resources to help you understand the bill and even provides you with a SUPER easy way to contact your legislators. You just fill in your zip code and it determines who to send it to and it DOES IT FOR YOU!!

I know it is easy to think that this will never happen to you... or to anyone you know, but my family is living proof that in the blink of an eye, your child can be gone. We have met so many wonderful families who are suffering the same fate as us and are left feeling helpless, lonely and wondering 'What the heck just happened?!' Please take a moment to support families like mine and contact your legislation today!