Getting through....

Today was tough.... today we surpassed a milestone I wasn't ready to pass.... at 10:15 tonight, Declan passed away 12 weeks and 4 days ago. He was 12 weeks and 4 days old.  I knew the day would come.  I didn't know how I would get through it. I spent alot of the day reflecting... thinking of the moment he passed.... the room was quiet and Nate and I had made the decision to take out Dex's ventilator. He were both holding him, with Noah as close to us as he could get.... our doctor removed the tape, took out the ventilator and we just held him.  We showered him with as much love as we could his last moments of life.  I didn't look at anyone but Declan, Nate and Noah.  We were surrounded by family and hospital staff that in our short time there became like close friends. There was no sounds beside the random sound of the heart monitor.... after a few moments Nate asked the doctor to shut off the monitor so we wouldn't have to listen, it was like a reminder of what we were losing.... The doctor watched the monitor and finally came over and did a check for herself and confirmed that he had passed away.  No one moved.... the only sound was of sniffles and heartache....we stayed there, held in the moment by disbelief, shock, extreme heartache and the desire to make the moment last a lifetime. 

Tonight, he has been gone longer than he was here... tonight my heart is heavy. Tomorrow is mother's day... how do you 'mother' a child who is no longer part of our world? How do I find the strength to celebrate when my heart is broken and bruised? In honor of our son's life and to help our pain, we spent a part of tonight at Dex's grave. We released floating lanterns as a way to acknowledge the day, the moment... to acknowledge his life and our heartache. It turned out amazing and was a peaceful, quiet, special way to recognize what we have loss. Afterwards, Nate and I had a moment to ourselves and had our release of pain... lots of tears, lots of 'why's' and lots of reassurance of the love we have for Declan, our other children and for each other.  We will get through... we have not been left alone.... God has provided us with great friends, great family and a faith strong enough to move mountains!

Short video of our floating lanterns...  thanks to my dear friend, Erica, for finding these lanterns and getting them for us! 

Getting ready for send off!

Up, Up, Up they go...

Watching as they float away...
here but a moment yet etched in forever

Forget me, Forget me not...

I stumbled across this photo today...for some reason it pulls at my heart strings... maybe because I am battling an internal war of trying to hold on to memories and the reality of forgetting...or maybe its the other way around... maybe I'm scared Dex won't remember me... he only knew me for such a brief moment in time and I know nothing I gave him here on this earth compares to his heavenly home.... I suppose I can only worry about what I can control and the only thing I can control is my ability to never forget Declan... not even when I'm a hundred!

Missing you a lot this week and always little man...

Love you to the moon and back!

Love Wholeheartedly

I heard this song the other day, or maybe even on my way to work today... anyway, going down grief's journey makes you notice things differently than you once did.  So I was listening to this song, and the lyrics said something like "My universe will never be the same, I'm glad you came."  I am pretty sure the signer is not speaking of a child/parent relationship in this song, but like I mentioned, I hear songs differently that I once did... and all I could think about after hearing those few words was how glad I am that I had Declan.  How much more fulfilled I am because I am his mother....and as the song says, my universe will NEVER be the same.  I'm glad he was a part of my life... he has permanently changed me.  I am a better person, a better mother, a better wife because of the lessons that little boy taught me.  I wish he was still here....I would have liked more time with him, but I would NEVER trade a second I had with him for anything...nothing!  I don't want to think this happened for a reason... I don't want to think 'something good will come from it'... my son died, I didn't lose a job or go through a divorce! No matter what comes of this, it will not make Declan's death ok... HOWEVER, I am trying to look at the positive side of my life... I am trying to rise above and look to the lessons taught by losing someone so wonderful.  I'm trying, everyday I am trying... and no matter how I feel, no matter the ache, the pain... I am so thankful for the 12 weeks and 4 days I was able to love him, able to hold him, able to marvel at the wonderment of life... I am thankful for every second, every minute, every spit up, every breath, every dirty diaper, every waking hour, everyTHING I had with him!  My heart love wholeheartedly, without question and without fear of the possibility of anguish!  What a gift he was to me, continues to be to me and will always be to me!

The 12th week

A flower cannot blossom without sunshine,
and man cannot live without love.

Flowers whisper what words cannot say

I have been so blessed to have many friends and family who have supported me through my journey of grief.  I have cried on their shoulders, looked to them for laughs, and have flipped my lid while they listened. In the midst of my storm, God has given me these people to use and turn to in my time of need.  This week has been hard, it is the 12th week... Saturday IS 12 weeks, 4 days...  Declan was 12 weeks and 4 days old when he passed away.... meaning, the first day that Declan will have been gone longer than he was present in my life will be mothers day.  What a cruel, unkind trick....it doesn't seem fair... but what does lately!? Thank God I have friends and family who have shown their support for me and without having to be reminded of my anxiety about this week, have sought me out to make sure I am doing ok!  Thank you to my many many friends and thank you, Jen, for the beautiful flowers you gave me yesterday! I have found myself staring at them multiple times when I am experiencing overwhelming emotions!  I am humbled by all of YOU....

Tears, Tributes and Butterflies

My Little Butterfly

Releasing our butterfly!

Today a little butterfly flew by me.  I thought to myself, 'where have you been lithe guy? You came into this world as a cocoon, all by yourself and blossom intone this beautiful butterfly and fly off to see the world. What you don't realize little butterfly, as you flutter through your days, is how you touch those around you in your soft gentle way. You don't realize the wonder and awe you create around you.' He fluttered his wings towards me as if he was waving good-bye as he headed towards the horizon.  He looked very happy and content as we went on his way, as if to say to me, "don't worry, I will be ok." I was sad to see him go, for he had touched my heart in such a way that knew life would never be the same.  He had left an imprint on all the beauty life has to offer.  I knew each time I looked at another butterfly or horizon I would remember our moment in time when it was only him and I.  I knew I would be a better person all because this little butterfly flew by me one bright sunny day. 
© Barbara Ann Rogers

Looking, but certainly not touching!

We released butterflies at the Tears, Tributes and Transformations" bereavement service on Saturday. They lingered just a moment, but long enough to create amazement at their beauty.  It was a terribly sad service. Each family was allowed to light a candle and read their child's name and after that there was a slide show.  Beautiful faces that will always be remembered, but never again seen. I didn't want  Dex's face to float across the screen, but it did.... there he was, beautiful, smiling, full of life... creating a deep ache within. It was gut wrenching to be surrounded by the families of the other children's whose lives ended way to soon.... I wanted not to be there....I wanted to be sitting at our house, watching movies with my family, listening to the rain against the house... I wished I wasn't part of this group... I wished I could be the one looking on with sadness at someone else's pain. The reality is, however, that this life of mine is real.  My nightmares are true.  My child did die.  I am not able to be on the outside looking in...I have to accept what I have been given.  I have to deal with the loneliness, the constant ache, the hurt I feel... the families at the bereavement services have experienced pain that echoes mine... they have walked my walk and traveled this journey.  My grief is not unique to death's healing... it's only unique to me.  As we watched our butterfly fly away, I could understand the correlation between butterflies and death... I understood the analogy perfectly.  While I gazed to the heavens, with the rain falling softly I realized that like the butterfly, not everything was meant to be kept.... somethings... some people were meant for far better places than here.

The painful path

Today is a blah day...the skies are gray, the air is damp... we will be heading up to a bereavement service for children who passed away at Children's hospital later this morning.... the weather is fitting to my mood.  I feel yucky. I feel lonely.... which is funny because I am not alone, the kids are here, Nate is here... but I feel alone.  There are times when having your spouse with you in your grief is very comforting, but there are days like today when we aren't in the same place... and that makes grief very lonely.   To be lonely when you are surround by people is strange.  It feels different than I've ever felt.  Days like today are tough... I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to be surrounded by people and have such a heavy heart... I want to laugh, I want to play football with Noah without an constant ache... but all I really want right now is to be comforted in someone's arms... to be held while I cry, to be told it's ok.  I want relief from this pain.  I want relief from my fears.  I want to get off this roller coaster of emotions and feel like my old self again.  I want a lot of things... but what I am trying to remind myself is that going through the grieving process makes me super sensitive, makes me read into situations more than I should, I over analyze every comment, every action... I came across this Bible verse today, Job 6:2-3 "If only my anguish could be weighed and all my misery be placed on the scales! It would surely outweigh the sand of the seas - no wonder my words have been impetuous." I have to remind myself to look to Him for support... there, in the Bible, are the answers I need... but the truth is reading His word, living my life for Him... is great, but I am still pained.... but His word is where I find my hope.  His promise that I will one day see Declan again... healing with God doesn't provide a promise that the path will be pain free, just that in the end it will have been worth it.

When there are no words

What is there to say today? There are no new words... there are no new feelings. I feel like a broken record...  I miss my son. I wish he was still here.  I wish today we were celebrating his 23rd week of life instead of his 11th week of passing.  I miss his little fingers grasping my hands.  I miss his nose and his sweet little chin.  I miss his voice... he was just starting to babble and it was a beautiful sound.  I miss his smile.  I miss his soft hairs rubbing against my face.  I miss the folds of fat on his arms. I miss his chunky legs, I miss his sweet belly button.  I miss every single thing about him. My heart aches for him.  The hole in my heart, in my life, seems to expand and contract... somedays it is so wide I can hardly function, other moments it's tolerable.  There is no predictions with grieving.  Healing takes time and doesn't always follow the path I think it should.  Healing hurts.  Loving someone so completely and passionately makes us so very vulnerable to heartache and heartbreak.... loving someone opens the door to suffering.... which stinks, but if I didn't suffer, if my heart wasn't destroyed it would mean I never loved.... and I have loved, still love and will always love Declan.  Now if only my love were enough to change something...